I'm sure Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer's return from maternity leave won't be like any we've seen but I thought I'd write a letter to all the regular working mommies out there who are heading back to the office.
Hey, Hot Mama!
How was your visit to Mommyland? Gosh, you've been gone for a long time. What was it, two years? Oh, just two months?! Anyway, you look great. Do you LOVE being a Mom? Did the baby look so cute in those newborn-size jeans we got her?
Just FYI, now that you're back, you'll need to follow a few rules to gain re-entry to Officeworld:
1. Do not talk about your boobs. Yes, we know you've gotten used to discussing your breasts as though you are talking about the weather, but it makes the men in the office very uncomfortable and makes the women pity you and your big shirts.
2. Wow, you've decided to pump? (I just told you NOT to talk about your boobs). Okay, but please try and work around the conference schedule even if you feel like you are going to burst. Never mind that the AC is blasting so cold barely any milk is going to come out anyway. And please, label your milk discreetly so the IT department doesn't freak out when they reach into the fridge for the coffee creamer.
3. Wait, you're really tired? Having a kid is exhausting and they cry a lot? OMG, please don't ruin my vision of motherhood. And, btw, we actually WORK here. Please just say, "The baby is great," put a picture her on your desk, and then never mention her again.
4. It's 5 p.m.. It's so early! I need a latte! Oh, you're leaving? Huh. No, no that's your choice. I respect that. Flex-time and everything. But make sure we can reach you on your iPhone anytime -- even if you're in the midst of cleaning up a blow-out poop or an Exorcist-like spit-up, okay? Not that I want to hear about it. You need to work just a little bit harder than everyone else to prove you deserve to be treated equally again. Sucks (pun intended!), I know.
Anyway, it's sooooo good to see you. Wanna get a drink after work tomorrow?