My fiance asked me yesterday if I was about to get my period. He can always sense my tension, sensitivity, and irritability, but the ironic thing is that I'm not even close to getting my monthly frenemy. I've been feeling hormonal and PMS-y this past week, and I haven't been able to figure out why. What the hell is the matter with me right now? It sucks enough that I have to feel this way half of the month, and now I'm feeling like this all the time? Nuh uh, no way, not acceptable. After discussing my anxious jittery state with several friends, I realized that I'm stressed out. Plain and simple.
Yes, I'm getting married in about six weeks, and there are some things to take care of logistically before that day. Yes, I'm busy. Yes, I'm concerned about my career shift into writing. Yes, I feel like I just can't keep up with everything there is to do. Yes, I'm worried about making money. One of my girlfriends pointed out to me that if I weren't stressing out, I wouldn't be normal. We both had a laugh at the idea that me feeling "normal" seemed so abnormal.
The aspect of all of this that bothers me though is that I have been able to handle stress in the past without feeling like I'm getting my period. Lately, I'm constantly consumed with the on edge feeling of fear... the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of not being able to support myself, the fear of losing myself in this battle to "make it" in my new career, the fear of losing my abilities, the fear of losing my focus and my footing on my path while I pimp out my writing. (I HATE the pimping part -- hate it. I juuuuuuust ache to write. Sigh...)
I've been analyzing my life patterns of late and realized that the routine of exercise I used to follow has been neglected. It may seem a small thing to most people, but if sweating is not a part of my life on a consistent basis, my mind goes haywire. The past couple of days, I have forced myself to get off my ass and sweat, sweat, sweat, even if only for 20 minutes. Today was my third day in a row doing this, and I've already noticed a difference. I've been able to harness a bit of control over my repetitive, ritualistic thoughts brought on by my OCD and feel slightly calmer. The calm may be due from muscle exhaustion, but I'll take it. Any ease of the tension I've been feeling is welcomed with open arms.
I've always known it, but truly, right now, I realize how incredibly imperative exercise is to my health. Sure, my physical health benefits from it, my body becomes stronger, but more importantly for me, my mental and emotional health benefits hugely. I think it's safe to say that physical and mental health are intrinsically linked; when one is in great shape, usually the other is as well. I NEED to exercise. It has to be a top priority for me always. The stronger I feel in my body, the stronger I feel in my mind. The endorphins that shoot through my body and the positive chemical shift that takes place are necessities. Getting off my ass and doing something is a part of my life I can control, and that little notion is incredibly impactful during this transitional time in my life. If I can harness some of this fear I've been feeling, I'll be a much better version of myself.
It's strange, in a way, that making a habit of breathing harder actually allows me to breathe easier. Woosah...
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