THE BLOG
05/22/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Death Panels Revisited; Or, Why Americans Have to Fear Adam Carolla

It can now be revealed. There is, in fact, a Death Panel related to the new health care reform legislation and it is headed by, well, Death himself in the guise of Adam Carolla). He's been on "Family Guy" for some time now (having actually been responsible for killing Norm MacDonald) and has been waiting patiently until the passage of the Bill so that he could implement his policy on heading Death Panels.

Ironically, Death will be assisted in no small measure by the major insurance companies in the United States which have been conducting death panels on an ad hoc basis for decades. Frustrated with not being able to "cash in" on the panels, Death (aka Adam Carolla) has now given fair warning to all CEOs of all insurance companies that from this moment on, he, Death (aka Adam Carolla), will be in charge of all the Death Panels. One might think how this actually happened. How did Death (aka Adam Carolla) gain such enormous power?

Well, a handful of fearful Democrats tucked the following subsection in ''SEC. 3132. TASK FORCE ON COMMUNITY PREVENTIVE SERVICES. What clearly is a Death Panel, but not listed as such, was the Task Force on Community Preventive Services neatly submerged in section (D) (2) (B) (iv) a section devoted to membership on the Task Force on Community Preventive Services. It reads as follows:

"(iv) Death (aka Adam Carolla) shall be appointed for a term not to exceed Eternity or the Apocalypse whichever comes first."

Not only that, but section (4) REPRESENTATION reads:--In appointing members of the Task Force, the Secretary--
(A) shall ensure that all areas of expertise described in paragraph (3) are represented;
(B) shall ensure that such members include sufficient representatives of each of--
i) State health officers;
ii) local health officers;
iii) health care practitioners; and
iv) public health practitioners; and
(C) shall appoint individuals who have expertise in health disparities at the discretion of "Family Guy's Death (aka Adam Carolla).

Of course, this major "flaw" in the Bill would have gone practically unnoticed in a 2000-page document that neither Democrats nor Republicans nor Independents would have read if it weren't for the perspicacity of Hankman Berman, Congressional Proof Reader Intern; however, Berman discovered this flaw in the Bill too late. Prior to President Obama's speech, Berman was somewhere in the bowels of the Congressional halls scouring the Bill for just such flaws. By the time he discovered it, the vote had been cast, Obama had spoken and the Bill became law. Needless to say, this is a sad day in American history when, after a century of no adequate health reform had ever been passed by Congress, we Americans will now be betoken to Death (aka Adam Carolla), who will be making decisions as to who will live and who will die. When Berman attempted to reach Seth McFarlane's office about said inclusion of Death (aka Adam Carolla) in the Bill, his office refused to return comment stating unequivocally that "it was in Death's court now." Woe be to the American public now that Death (aka Adam Carolla) will be making decisions on all of our lives.