"So Many Female Hamsters - So Little Time!"
KESWICK, Great Britain - In a ruling that is sending shock-waves throughout the international community of rodent-owners, a British district judge is actually ordering a vasectomy for a tiny beast who is quickly gaining the reputation, at least in this part of the UK, as the world's most over-sexed hamster.
Hamsters get their name from the German word "hamstern," meaning "to hoard." And true to the name, this hamster was sexually hoarding female hamsters like there was no tomorrow. According to Keswick Laboratory spokesman, Malcolm Dowling, 51, the golden brown hamster in question, of Tibetan origin, is named Simon, and "is interested in little else than having non-stop sexual relations with as many female hamsters as possible."
This is highly unusual, Dowling explains, because, "Not only are most hamsters solitary creatures who do not enjoy socializing with others - the male must actually be placed in the female's cage when she is receptive." But not Simon. "Simon will actually dash to the female's cage, grab on to it tightly, and shake it vigorously for hours until he is allowed to enter," notes Dowling. "It always reminds me of that scene in Body Heat where William Hurt shatters the glass door to gain entry and have sex with Kathleen Turner."
Similarly, to most hamsters, foreplay is a foreign concept. But not to Simon, or The Inseminator, as the research scientists refer to him. "The typical hamster will mount the female, do his thing, lose interest, and go have a wash," Dowling notes. "But Simon is truly the Hugh Hefner of rodents, with an elaborate foreplay routine before he even goes to mount the female. He does everything short of wearing a smoking jacket and presenting flowers."
"Simon will tenderly stroke the female's head with his paw, for a long period of time. He'll then begin licking her stomach and genitals, and they'll cavort with each other and issue squeaks of delight," Dowling observes.
"I saw it with me own eyes," affirms Mabel Huxley, 33, a local day school teacher visiting the lab with her class. "It was embarrassing how they was going at it. I was covering me kids' eyes. I felt like telling the hamsters, 'For the love of God, get a room!'"
Not everyone is a believer. According to Dr. Belinda Beaumont, 54, a veterinarian and animal welfare specialist, "This goes against every behavioral parameter we know about hamsters. It's nonsense. The next thing they'll be telling us is that Simon dims the lights and puts on Frank Sinatra music."
Nonetheless, District Judge Elliot Rutledge, 61, is ordering Simon to have the vasectomy. "At the rate he's going," explains Rutledge, "hamsters will soon outnumber people. No female hamster in Britain is safe until Simon gets snipped."