05/17/2010 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

World's First Mafia Greeting Cards


There's a newcomer to the highly competitive greeting card market -- the Mafia! The powerful crime syndicate is coming out with its very own brand of greeting cards -- Killer Kardz. According to Mafia Vice-President of Marketing Angelo "The Butcher" Spinzelli, "We feel the time is right to offer the American consumer a gutsier alternative to those bland, pansy Hallmark cards."

Mafia V.P. of Marketing, Angelo "The Butcher" Spinzelli

Each Mafia Killer Kardz is guaranteed to have been written and illustrated by a current member of the Mafia who has savagely murdered at least three people. "We take a lot of pride in that authenticity," adds Spinzelli, who boasts having cut off the oxygen supply of three men who looked at him the wrong way, just by using his thumb and forefinger.

Spinzelli proudly displays some of his favorite Mafia cards. The first is one that a male friend could send to another male friend:
Outside: Hey, Happy Birthday to my buddy ...
Inside: ... If I catch you flirting with my girlfriend again, I'll pull your heart out through your eyes, capiche?

The Special Moments line features this card that a loving husband might send to his wife on their anniversary:
Outside: Sweetheart, happy 15th anniversary ...
Inside: I was thinkin' -- I coulda whacked you, been outa the joint in ten years and dating again. But I didn't. So I hope you're flattered. Now go make me some linguine and clams.

And poetry is often used to great effect, such as in this sentimental Mother's Day offering:
Outside: Hey, momma, you remember that salesman who wouldn't give you a discount on the dishes? ...
Inside: ... He won't disappoint you any more -- he's sleeping with the fishes.


Children are by no means left out, either, as this adorable sentiment from the Killer Kidz line demonstrates:
Outside: Happy 7th Birthday to a special boy.
Inside: Remember to bring me your lunch money every day if you don't want to find your puppy ending up as one of the ingredients in your school cafeteria's sloppy joe mixture.


And the Holiday Expressions line features a wide variety of celebratory cards, including this festive Christmas message:
Outside: Merry Christmas, daddy. You always taught me that holidays are a time for giving.
Inside: And that any man who makes you mad is probably just tired of living.

The cards are scheduled to be in stores next month, according to Spinzelli, who adds that, "You'll also encounter specially-trained Mafia sales representatives, or "Persuaders," as we call them, who will make a very strong case for you buying several of the cards every day. Think they're kidding? Try skipping a day. I'll come visit you in intensive care. And, oh -- word to the wise for other greeting card companies -- we know where your children go to school, so why don't you find another line of work?"

As impressive as the new greeting cards are, they're just the tip of the Mafia's marketing iceberg for the coming year, according to Spinzelli. "We have a number of products we'll be introducing, including a perfume called You Better Buy This and Use It Now, bumper stickers that say "Honk If You've Paid Your Protection Money This Week," t-shirts imprinted with: "What Part of 'Extortion' Don't You Understand?" and, of course, our world-famous Tell Me This Isn't The Best Spaghetti Sauce You Ever Tasted -- Go Ahead, I Dare You!"