03/28/2012 12:39 pm ET Updated May 28, 2012

Ten Things You Need Not Worry About

There are plenty of things to concern yourself with. There are far too many things that wish to stress you out, slap you asunder and make you feel heavy, sad and lost. These should not be among them. Starting with:

1) Rick Santorum. Isn't he just the skeeviest little disruption, like fingernails on the chalkboard of human delight? Is he not the weirdest, bitchiest little dog whose cute scruffiness belies the fact that, when he opens his mouth, the strangest, most hideous sounds come out?

Good news: Rick is about as much of a threat to the attuned way of life as flea is to a pack of wolves. You only worry about him the way you worry about an errant wart on your elbow, the one you only notice when you lean in to watch True Blood on your laptop and you go, "Oh right, I need to get that dry little nub excised, pronto," and then you go back to enjoying all the other good things in life -- which, when compared to Rick Santorum, is pretty much everything.

2) Global warming. I know! The nerve of me. I'm certainly not suggesting it's not happening. I'm not suggesting you stop caring. Here's what you can do about global warming: vote accordingly. Change your personal habits. Have fewer kids. Thank a scientist. Enjoy Earth Day.

But worry? There is no point to fretting over a grand-scale shudder that is not your karma to solve. Such energy only adds to the strain and the constipation of the world. Instead, spend your energy on figuring out how to adapt, evolve and fight the zombies.

3) The Hunger Games. Sure, lots of teens are all sweaty and aflutter right now. Sure, the long-neglected archery industry is giddy like Rick Santorum in a fetish dungeon at all the new business. Sure, millions of teen girls are switching from regrettable Harry Potter tattoos to regrettable Mockingjay tattoos because "these books meant so much to me and I want to remember them forever and I'm pretty sure I never want to have sex."

While the HG books are a bit more violently mature in theme than Harry P or the insufferable Twilight soap opera (though for my money, none of them come close to His Dark Materials), you need not worry about catching the wave or caring about the mania. This too shall pass. Probably when the first over-amped fangirl spears her little brother with an arrow.

4) The choking game. It's sort of like the Hunger Games, but for inept teens, college dudes and devoted David Carradine/Michael Hutchence fans. Have you heard of it? It's the suspicious trend story about how one in five young'uns has apparently tried this "game," which apparently involves exactly that: choking one another to cut off blood flow and oxygen just long enough to get a dizzy "high," but not quite long enough to die like a complete moron.

Is it really happening all that much? Doubtful -- maybe about as much as vodka-soaked tampons and huffing Freon. Are frat boys as imbecilic as they've ever been? Yes. Should you worry about this in any way? No. Should you, however, consider adding a little bit of rough sex in the bedroom, where such skilled activities belong One guess.

5) Birth control/women's rights. I just read a fascinating and totally convincing bit in the New Yorker, suggesting that the reason so many fly over states are enacting so many panicky anti-choice laws right now is simply because women are making such lightning fast headway in the culture, in college degrees, and in the corridors of power, and hence the terrified, feeble-minded white men of fundamentalist Republican America are quickly losing their grip. It's all an ironic sign of female progress, not of backsliding. Amazing.

Can it be true? The shockingly anti-women GOP aside, do modern females have far less to worry about when it comes to controlling their bodies and making decisions for themselves (for better and worse)? If we want to know how potent is the current consciousness surrounding female empowerment, perhaps we should ask the Komen foundation. Or Katniss. Or maybe HBO's new show, Girls. Or the GOP, after this next election.

6) Gay marriage. Hear this now: The fight continues. But the exhausting worry about its potential failure? Not so much. Here in California alone (and many other states, too), the latest polls show support for gay marriage gaining insurmountable steam, as the homophobia of the "Greatest Generation" dies off (literally), the Millennials take over and 20 years from now everyone looks back and wonders what the hell everyone was whining about.

Much like female empowerment, gay marriage is a foregone conclusion. While powerful causes like "It Gets Better" are unfortunately still essential, and while we'll see a flurry of homophobic rhetoric and cruel legislation for awhile longer, the rainbow cat is out of the bag, and there is no going back. Fight on, but worry not.

7) Dick Cheney, apparent immortality of...

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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the San Francisco Chronicle and SFGate. He recently requested that you please join his Tantric yoga sex cult, discussed how to be outraged in America and begged you Oh my God please do not eat this. Join him on Facebook, or email him. Not to mention...