06/23/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Promiscuous Women Cause Earthquakes!

Behold! A fresh danger prowls the land, a grand and treacherous question disguised as a quandary wrapped in a predicament slathered in body oil and leather cuffs and Cosabella thongs. Behold!

The question rageths thusly: Who on this earthly plane, once and for all, really causes all the floods and fires, earthquakes and meltdowns in the land? Upon whose sinewy, godless shoulders can the nervous world -- old, leathery white guys who never have sex in particular -- foist all the blame? Is it the women? Is it the gays? Is it the goddamn dolphins? Do they even have shoulders? Maybe this is the problem.

More specifically, which of the world's myriad evil forces spell our certain doom? Is it the exposed nipples or the anal sex? The tantalizing ankles or the tongue kissing in the street? Is it the strap-ons? Designer jeans? The sacrum tattoos? Shaved genitalia?

If you have hot sex more than three times in a single day, will a portion of rural China fall off and die? If you have unmarried cunnilingus in the back of an unprotected Audi, will God make a million bunnies spontaneously combust? Do messy orgasms make angels cry?

Stop smirking. I am hugely serious. People are dying. Buildings are collapsing. Humanity is in dire peril, because the other kind of peril is, presumably, actually sort of nice.

Let us pose our query to the experts. Let us ask, say, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, a senior Iranian cleric, one of those gnarled, severe, crusted-over Muslims you should always turn to with the big questions about women, love and man's imminent downfall, because hoary old guys like him never lie or make s-- up just to maintain their power, authority and secret access to gay prostitutes and cocaine. Let's see what Sedighi says:

"Many women who do not dress modestly... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

Yea! Testify! Sedighi hath spoken! Mumbled his Great Truth though a tangled beard and 5,000 years of misogyny, as he apparently vies for the title of Greatest Non-Sequitur Ever Uttered. Yes, Sedighi officially blamed Iran's deadly earthquakes on his country's promiscuous women and their terrifying scarves. "Also, the lack of Flash on my new iPad totally blows," he did not add...

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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the SF Chronicle and SFGate. Get it at or Amazon;. He recently wrote about the KFC Double Down, the Texas Board of Education, and what it's like being part of the evil liberal conspiracy. His website is Join him on Facebook;, or email him. Not to mention...