02/28/2011 05:50 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Gaddafi Goes to the Movies

Libyan strongman Muammar Gaddafi said today that he plans to fly to Dubai for a long weekend so he can catch up on films that he's banned in Tripoli.

Speaking to himself, Gaddafi said:

I'm bored watching TV. It's the same thing 24/7 on every channel --me. Even on On Command. Don't get me wrong, I like hearing myself talk, but having someone with me all the time to tell me what the hell I'm talking about is just weird. I know everyone's going to say that I'm going to Dubai because the rebels are about to hand me my donkey. Not true. Sure Obama wants me to leave, but where would I go? Mubarak plays a shitty game of gin. The Tunisian guy is gone. I hear he took off with a ton and a half of gold but Interpol can't find him. I'm no Inspector Clouseau but you'd think it would be pretty easy to find someone who paid $150,000 in excess baggage charges.

The real reason I'm going is that I've got four Euros left on the Emirates gift card Berlusconi sent over last year with Boom Boom, his Secretary of Defense. By the way, she totally disarmed me. Also, there's a film out that sounds like it's right up my alley, Despicable Me. While I'm gone, I'm leaving the boys in charge. I told them to call me if anything comes up, but I think it may be a week before they have their cells. And I told them I didn't want to hear about any fighting while I was gone. That's why I listen to Radio Free Tehran when I'm on the road. My sons are basically good kids, but I don't think they're tough enough. I didn't get to the top of the heap by using semi-automatics. If you're not willing to call in the MIGs you're a camel without a hump.

I'll talk to the press only under certain conditions. Any reporter I allow to interview me has to have listeners who understand every word I say and who have four hours on their hands when I want to say it. They must also be people who believe there's going to be a caliphate in the neighborhood if I lose my job and who think a caliphate is what's going to happen next in California. So far only Glenn Beck has qualified. So to wrap this up, I'm bored watching myself on TV. Wait, I think I said that already. Ya know, sometimes I think I'm losing it.