01/30/2012 05:54 pm ET Updated Mar 31, 2012

Obama Prays That Jobs Will Return to Cupertino

The Obama administration announced today a jobs initiative to be known as "The Jobs Initiative."

Named after Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs, the program will fund the building and acquisition of five thousand garages in California's Silicon Valley and other technology hubs.

"It is evident that garages, though unheated, are the hothouses for exciting new discoveries that can put millions of people to work," said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. "Among other things, it was in their garages that Jobs and Gates invented the idea that they could steal Xerox Corporation's idea of the computer mouse."

Reporters immediately demanded details.

Said Carney, "We intend to solicit grant proposals from people who can make witty comments about bio-computers. Depending upon the proposal, a grant will fund the purchase or construction of from three to twelve car garages, preferably in locations where there is street parking. The most outstanding grantee will receive a supplemental award for three Eames chairs, a pinball machine and a Sharper Image cooler that will hold a year's supply of Naked Juice."

Simultaneous with the White House announcement, Facebook wunderkind Mark Zuckerberg released the following statement: "Although my only contact with a garage was when I stole a tandem motorcycle from the Winklevoss Twins, I have no doubt whatsoever that a garage is a place where an individual can be inspired to think great thoughts, to bring those thoughts to reality, and to find ways to share that reality with enough people to enable him to move out of the garage."

The job-creating impact of the announcement was immediate. In Los Altos Hills, California, for example, the local office of Sotheby's Realty announced the hiring of four brokers who will focus exclusively on the local garage market.

"We plan to move aggressively into locating garages and finding buyers who want to turn them into garages," said Wetherby Sloan III, the office's Manager and Concierge. "We will also handle tear-down situations, such as the six thousand square foot house in Atherton that has only one garage."

The owners of Silicon Valley garages where cars are actually repaired have been overwhelmed by a flood of offers.

"Yesterday I'm underneath Sergey Brin's Moskvich 2140 trying to figure out if I can weld on a third cylinder," said Owen Dayton, owner of a San Jose car repair shop. "Today I walk in and there's an envelope under the door with 10,000 Google options at ten and a note that says, "I want and need your body shop. Serg."

Press Secretary Carney said the President was determined to see that the Initiative succeed. "The President told me in no uncertain terms that he will go the extra mile to get people back to work," said Carney, "and if that means he'll have to park at a meter when he gets there, he's ready to make that sacrifice."