10/26/2011 10:36 am ET Updated Dec 26, 2011

Major Contender Withdraws from Presidential Race -- Obama Victory Now Assured

In a startling announcement, long-time person Mark Steinberg has announced his withdrawal from the race for the 2012 Democratic Presidential nomination.

"Although I've received hundreds of messages offering financial help, I don't believe that a decision of this magnitude should be made on the basis of what's in your spam folder. And while I'm grateful beyond words to American Express, Visa and Blue Ball National Bank for their persistent efforts, I simply cannot sign on to their proposals, " said Steinberg.

"While the time demands associated with the job of President definitely played a role in my decision, it was not the only factor. Indeed, the prospect of having my own 747 and meeting Angela Merkel made it a very close call. In the end, though, it was the fact that I'd have to submit to a background check that turned the tide."

"Had I stayed in the race, I've no doubt I would have won, notwithstanding the mud-slinging by Mr. Obama. He's claimed, for example, that because my Father was chairman of the local chapter of B'nai B'rith and my Mother was Co-chair of the Kreplach Committee of Hadassah, that I'm not black. Well, he's entitled to his opinion."

"I believe that Democrats would ultimately have seen that my "1-1-1" plan for job creation was superior to anything the President has tried or proposed. It also has the virtue of simplicity."

"Under my plan, every adult in this country would have the opportunity to hold one job for one month at one airport Cinnabon. During that period, he or she would meet many job creators flying to and from the Cayman Islands or Gstaad. These connections would inevitably blossom into offers of full-time employment as houseboys or girls, Pomeranian walkers, and perhaps even human shields."

"I also feel that my positions on foreign policy are far superior to those of the President. For example, I believe that Israel should be encouraged to build as many settlements as it likes. Such a policy would not only underscore our support for an important ally but could lead to the creation of an alternative destination for illegal aliens whom we would otherwise deport to Mexico."

"Had I pursued the nomination, I would also have proposed sweeping reform of the tax code. While Mr. Obama has talked the talk about such change, I would have walked the walked. There is absolutely no question in my mind that the plan I would have unveiled would have amazed Americans and would have brought them into the streets shouting, 'The tax system is finally fair, transparent and silky soft. Who do we thank?' And the answer would have been me. Definitely."

"In closing, l want to make it clear that despite my differences with President Obama, I intend to do everything I can to see that he is reelected. I have communicated to his campaign manager, Jim Messina, that I am prepared to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week travelling across this great nation to explain to Americans why voting for Barack Obama is pretty much their only alternative."

"Mr. Messina said he'd get back to me."