09/04/2012 01:55 pm ET Updated Nov 04, 2012

Politico Bombshell Exclusive: Empty Chair and Empty Suit Tell All

Immediately after accepting his party's nomination for the Presidency, Mitt Romney left the stage of the Tampa Bay Times Forum and walked briskly to his dressing room. There he removed his gray suit, laid it carefully on the empty chair to which actor Clint Eastwood had earlier spoken at greater length and with less coherence than anyone had thought possible, donned another gray suit, and headed for the whimsically themed "PACman Kochtail Party."

After Romney had departed and the lights were turned off, hidden microphones picked up the following exchange:

Chair: "This may have been the greatest night of my life. Alone on a stage with Clint Eastwood. Everyone looking at me like I was a van der Rohe or Eames instead of a barstool from a Marriott Residence Inn. Nobody's ass blocking my view. Just Dirty Harry and me."

Suit: "You're lucky, man, you got Clint. I got the candidate. I'm worth two thousand bucks retail and it's like I wasn't there. Some kinda Emperor's New Clothes thing, but backwards. Oh sure, he couldn't talk enough about those small American businessmen, The Brooks Brothers, who peddled me to him, but he forgot to mention that I'm 90% Made In Guangdong. If this is a great American I'll eat your hat, unless it's my cousin."

Chair: "I think you're underestimating him. Not only did he let Clint go out there and hang with me, he let him do it even though I'm not a primary color, I'm brown"

Suit: "And isn't it a funny coincidence that now that the primaries are history brown is his favorite color?"

Chair: "Anyone can change his mind."

Suit: "Yeah, but before you change it you have to have something to change it from. Romney has no idea what he thinks. While he's putting on my pants tonight he's trying to decide whether to put his junk on the right or the left. He tries one. He tries the other. Finally he leaves it in the middle, reaches into the right pocket, pulls out some bills, and shoves them down the front."

Chair: "You mean...."

Suit: "Yep. A roomful of idiots decided that a wad of cash behind your zipper means you're qualified to command the Army, the Air Force, the Marines and the Environmental Protection Agency. Well let me tell you my four-legged friend, my Dad started out on a thread spindle, and with the help of the G.I. Bill and a generous grant from the Annenberg Foundation, he built himself into an Admiral's uniform. And if he saw what happened out there tonight he'd just lie down and let the moths have their way with him."

Chair: "I don't think it's fair to judge a man's fitness for the Presidency on the basis of whether his suit likes him."

Suit: "This isn't a question of whether I like him. Hey, we look great together. But I have this weird feeling that he's just not that into me when, literally, he's into me. It's like when he's here there's no here there"

Chair: "Well I don't care what you say, I had a great time. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if Clint had carved his initials on my bottom."

Suit: "Did you ask him?"

Chair: "It would have been pointless. When the RNC checked him out before he went on the stage they found his speech and a carving knife. They let him keep the speech but they took away the carving knife."

Suit: "Bad call."

Chair: "Yeah, if they'd gone the other way they'd have made my day and everyone else's."