THE BLOG
11/27/2016 07:29 am ET Updated Nov 26, 2017

Black Friday Sale on White House Officials A 'Yuge' Success

Washington DC: Goodyear Satire Co.--

Eighty-seven ambassadorships were sold by the incoming Trump Administration on Black Friday, shattering the record held by the 2004 George W. Bush transition team.

"The sale raised $750 million, which will be used to fund much needed voter suppression efforts," according to sales lead Tom Colonnade.

"The sale was a yuge success," beamed President-Elect Trump. "Bigly."

With rock bottom prices, Cabinet secretaries were in especially high demand. The Department of Education went to Betsy DeVos of the Amway fortune for $9.5 million in donations. "So every time you buy a can of spray-on-shoe polish, you're helping cut funds for your child's public school. We call that a win-win," said Colonnade.

Sources say this effort is all part of Donald Trump's plan to repurpose America into a profit center. "Why fight for human rights when there's money to be made?" asked First Daughter Ivanka Trump. "Would you like to buy my watch?"

"We're doing this needed restructuring work for America at no charge because of love of America," said the President-Elect. "Love, and a small piece of the back end."

Trump was especially proud that so many of the buyers have absolutely no experience in government, like himself. "We're proud to be replacing corrupt Washington insiders with corrupt Washington outsiders," Trump said. "That's the Trump legacy."

In a related story, the previously principled Republican Party sold out to the alt-right for $32.50 and the chance to repeal Obamacare.

If you missed out on all the fun don't worry. The biggest bargains are still to be had on Cyber Monday. Dignity will be 50 % off.

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