The Joy of Sex in Russia

01/19/2017 03:14 pm ET Updated Jan 20, 2018

Washington DC: Goodyear Satire Co.

As of noon on Friday, July 20, 2017 Russia will be our BFF. Joy!

We'll have sleepovers. We'll hit on chicks. We'll imprison journalists.

Good times.

This is The Trump Doctrine. 

This is the doctrine of a man who controls 7.100 nuclear warheads but doesn't know what the nuclear triad is (air, sea and land based missiles -- now you're smarter than the President of the United States). 

"If we have nukes, why don't we use them?" he famously asked. "Because they'll use them, too, and we'll destroy the earth" was the unnecessary reply to what should have been an unnecessary question.

Donald Trump can't find Hiroshima on a map.

The Putin Doctrine

The Trump Doctrine happens to be nearly identical to The Putin Doctrine. The only difference is The Putin Doctrine includes (in the fine print) "23. Infiltrate America."

"We Will Bury You!"

In 1956, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev made the taunt "We will bury you!" to Western ambassadors at a reception in Moscow.He lived to regret the phrase because of the blow back. He then backtracked, saying "Of course we will not bury you with a shovel. Your own working class will bury you."

Khrushchev must have had Trump voters in mind.

It appears that Vladimir Putin at some point realized that Russia did not need to beat America on the battlefield, it could just manipulate America's electoral process so that a pro-Russian president could be elected.

Enter Donald Trump, a man so needy he wears his heart on his tweet.

Its an open question how much aid Putin gave to Trump's campaign. Half a dozen separate government investigations are now underway. Its unclear, though, how many investigations will survive the coming Saturday night massacre, when those involved in the investigations are fired, demoted, sent to Siberia or are just surgically neutered.

The media is too busy arranging interviews with the low-hanging fruit of Trump spokeslizards to pick up a phone and do something called in-ves-tig-a-tive jour-na-lism. But that's so 80's.

By the way, why does Wolf Blitzer still have a job?

Donald Trump has shown no inclination on his own to investigate the events that may have led to his becoming president, going so far as to deny any relationship between the Russian aid and the Trump win. 
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"

The existing Senate investigations mean that the parties must maintain and not destroy relevant evidence, but there is no certainty that the parties in possession of the evidence will do so. Donald Trump's companies have been accused in the past of destroying evidence under subpoena.

Will President Donald Trump give the Russians what they want, possibly rewarding them for helping him become President?

Putin has a long list of needs, and Trump is his fairy godmother. Trump can grant his new BFF's every wish. Putin doesn't even need to clap his hands or click his heels.

Trump has indicated he will lift the punishing sanctions freeing up Trump's Secretary of State nominee Rex Tillerson's ex Exxon/Mobil to reap a $500 million contract to exploit Russian oil. 

If you loved Dick Cheney, you'll adore the graft and corruption the Trump cabinet has in store.

Donald Trump has called NATO obsolete, and Russia has agreed. Russia would love to see the end of NATO, as it has kept Russia's territorial ambitions (and those of its predecessor the USSR) in check in the postwar era.

Trump has also signaled he will withdraw from the Paris climate deal. Trump calls climate change a "Chinese hoax." Trump will scuttle the Iran nuclear deal and Obamacare because, well, they were Obama's signature accompllishments. Trump also wants to repeal and replace the law of gravity.

Its clear who's the top in the Putin/Trump relationship. The master player Putin gave the rookie Trump the kiss of death this week when, at a press conference in Moscow, Putin confirmed there was no sex tape of Trump and promised he wouldn't release it unless it was really, really necessary.

That's the Joy of Sex in Russia.

"In Russia, room videotapes you!" Yakov Smirnov never said it so well.

The first sign something is amiss in the Trump administration will be when the administration's new press secretary starts asking where their honeymoon is. Here's the response they'll get. "Honeymoon? Honey child, the media's already left Donald Trump and sued him for child support."

That's what the next four years is going to be like.

If you're going to the inauguration, be prepared. There's a 100% chance of pain.

Photo credit: The Wizard of Oz screengrab from youtube.com