01/08/2014 12:06 pm ET Updated Mar 10, 2014

Why I'm Giving Up Lists in 2014, and Why You Should Too

I'm giving up lists this year because reading lists is one of the "Top Ten Time-Wasters at Work." It leads to over-thinking, one of the "Fifty Guaranteed Recipes for Failure." It also destroys self-confidence. I'd go into further detail, but sometimes it's better to make a blanket statement. Speaking in blanket statements is one of the "Ten Ways to Show Certitude," an indication of seriousness, intellect and leadership -- three of the "Twenty-Seven Common Characteristics of Powerful Individuals."

2014 is a pivotal year for me to become a more powerful individual. This month, I turn twenty-six, which is one of the "Golden Years for Breakout Success," second only to thirty-one. I'd prefer my breakout success occur before my ten year high-school reunion in New Hampshire. New Hampshire is on the list of states with the "Least Exciting Job Market." I live in New York, which has the "Most Exciting Job Market of All Fifty States." Living in the right area is one of the "Best Ways To Get Your Message Heard," even in the digital age. My high-school friends expect more of me than below-average success.

One of my college friends is a breakout success. He's one of the "Ten Actors Who Make TV Worth-Watching." The other week, he posted a photo at the gym that made it to the popular page with over 17,000 likes. He does a lot of abdominal exercises, which releases endorphins, a "Natural High That Lasts All Day." It's much better than alcohol. In fact, alcohol is one of the "One Hundred Most Toxic Substances We Don't Talk Enough About." I'm not an alcoholic or anything, but I do exhibit a few of the "Thirty-Seven Tell-Tale Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem," which puts me in a much worse position than my actor friend.

My girlfriend says I'm jealous of him. I disagree, but I'm glad she told me. Honesty is the most essential of all "Twelve Essential Habits for a Saner, Happier You." She's really been getting on my nerves lately. We're barely speaking, a "Surefire Sign You've Lost That Special Spark." I tried all the "Absolute Best Methods for Showing the One You Love You Can't Live Without Them," and they didn't work. Besides, being the "Kind of Boyfriend I Never Knew I Could Be (and Keeping It That Way)" is expensive. I have to pay my rent if I want to continue to live in one of the "Ten Up-and-Coming Neighborhoods That Have Developers Drooling."

I told my girlfriend that she needs to have a better year this year too, or I might not stick around. It's not like she's anybody special. She's not in the Maxim Top 100, or one of the "Most Powerful Women in the Tech Industry Under 30." In fact, she barely even boosts my Klout Score. A better Klout Score is one of the "Can't Miss Ways to Make Your Name Known," and I need to make my name known if I ever want to fix my Google Search. I'm not even my own top hit right now. The most popular "Max Cantor" on Google is a small-time actor from Dirty Dancing who died of a drug overdose. IMDB says he went to Harvard -- one of the "Most Impressive Diplomas In The World." I didn't get into Harvard, but I refuse to dwell on that. No point comparing this Max Cantor and that Max Cantor. Self-comparison's an awful waste of time and I'm not wasting any time this year. This year I'm focused like a laser. This is going to be my best year yet, soon to be second to 2015.