02/12/2013 02:58 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

The Next Pope

The Pope quit this week because of "advanced age," which surprised all of
us who assumed that senility is a prerequisite of the job. And now the
scandal-loving Vatican must make a difficult decision: Who will man
the @Pontifex twitter account?

As the Cardinals ponder whom they'd like to crusade against condoms and other horrors, allow us to offer our two cents.

We're not Catholic. We're sure we don't understand the intricacies of the
Pope's job, which seem to include waving, sitting, and spending more
time in dresses than Rupaul. But since the Catholic Church made its
name telling non-believers how to live their lives, we feel total
liberty to tell them how to run their church. Plus, we grew up Mormon,
so we have a chip on the shoulder about old men giving bad advice as
though it were God's idea.

Next time, maybe don't pick a man affectionately nicknamed "God's
Rottweiler." Do you really think God would own a Rottweiler? We've
always pictured God as the kind of gal who has a cute little
mutt. People like nice little dogs.

Next time, maybe don't pick one of yourselves to run the church.
You're going to make exactly the same mistakes, insult all the same
people (women, Jews, homosexuals, nuns), and fall further into the
irrelevance you've been courting since the dawn of science. Go
head-hunting! Bring in someone from outside. There are lots of great
secular humanists around who would love to call the Vatican museum
their own.

In fact, just make Sinead O'Connor pope. Do it now. She'll do more to
better your public image on day one than Benedict did to harm it all
these years. Let her canonize Pussy Riot--they deserve it. Let her put
the bishops under the nuns' jurisdiction at last--they're better than you. Let
her get to the bottom of all the child molestation and the cover
up--you owe it to everyone. Let Pope Benedict go on
SNL and tear up a picture of her. We bet she'll forgive him.

This is a serious suggestion that you won't consider seriously,
especially given the candidate's gender, although it's fucking 2013.