04/17/2013 01:46 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Romantic Encounters #4: Handjob Hamlet


"Are you dating any other people besides me?" He asked on our first date.

"Yeah, you know, I'm getting out there," I said.

"Are you having sex with them?"

"No," I assured him, thinking he'd be delighted.

"None of them?!" He was aghast.


"You're not even giving them handjobs!?" He exploded.

"Well, you know, I'm just sort of in the getting to know them phase." I explained.

"Soooo... These guys are spending their hard-earned money on you and you're not even giving them handjobs?! You don't think that's just a little cunty?"

I laughed but he wasn't laughing.

"What? Does the word cunt make you uncomfortable?! People like you fascinate me. How could you give a word such power? It's a little, tiny word. You're what's wrong with America!"

He seemed to take it deeply personally that I wasn't out handjobbing it up around every corner.
"You're so guarded!" he concluded.

On our second date, he told me his dad was verbally abusive and would make everyone uncomfortable so he felt completely at ease in uncomfortable situations. He sort of took pride in it. He told me about the time that he insulted a girl so badly she started crying on a night out with mutual friends. He also told me all about the girl who'd cheated on him and that being around pretty girls actually made him feel like he was being punched in his stomach. "So that's what all this is about," I thought, "He thinks I'm pretty!"

One after the other, the dark secrets tumbled out of his mouth like crippled little acrobats from the Darkness Olympics. Truth be told, if hanging around and being called a cunt could fix what had been broken by his angry dad, the girl who'd cheated on him, and the pretty girls punching his stomach with their beauty I probably would've kept doing it. But I guess at the end of the day being called cunty can really only sustain a relationship for so long.

Around this time he started sending me mixed signals by getting a girlfriend. "Well two can play that game!" I thought, and I got to know his girlfriend as well. (She was pretty terrific.) I hope he found all the handjobs he was looking for and to this day I still never ever have sex on the first date unless I am raped.

Quiz: If a guy goes ballistic about handjobs on the first date and calls you a cunt and/ or cunty do you:

A) Tell him the only handjob he'll get that night will be from himself.
B) Tell him that sadly no amount of hand jobs will fill his pain hole.
C) Go on another date with him and try not to be such a cunt this time.

If you answered yes to C) you may be a dysfunctional dater.

Dysfunctional Dates of the week:

Producer, director Adam Franklin (@itsadamfranklin & Instagram @adamscottfranklin): "A random drunk goth girl I've never met before burst into the bathroom and tried to kiss me mid-pee."

Writer, actress Shari Albert (@ThatShari & @GoodMedicineTv) "My date was on the porch & I went in for wine. I returned to see him pleasuring himself."

Comedian Thomas Attila Lewis (@tomdog) "Pretty blonde girl shows up for date with head shaved down to the skin and wearing latex, I'm allergic to latex."

To have your worst/ oddest/ most dysfunctional dates featured in this column just email or tweet them @melindahill with hashtag #DD, under 140 characters por favor.

Photo credit: screen grabs of Kirk Fox and Melinda Hill from the web series