04/28/2014 01:50 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

7 Things Babies Should Give Up Right Now If They Want to Get Into Harvard

The principal and teachers at a New York elementary school recently canceled their annual kindergarten show because they felt more time was needed for "preparing children for college and career."

Here's some of the actual letter sent to parents on April 25th that appeared in the Washington Post:

The reason for eliminating the Kindergarten show is simple. We are responsible for preparing children for college and career with valuable lifelong skills and know that we can best do that by having them become strong readers, writers, coworkers and problem solvers. Please do not fault us for making professional decisions that we know will never be able to please everyone. But know that we are making these decisions with the interests of all children in mind.

This is the world we live in, folks! Remember the lessons from All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, such as share, play fair and don't hit people? Those lessons are so 1989!

Who cares about learning to get along with others, problem solve and think creatively? What 5- and 6-year-olds need is more college prep time! You know what? What BABIES need is more college prep time!

Babies need to do less babyish stuff. Here are my suggestions for what your baby should give up immediately if you want him or her to get into a good college (and by "good," I obviously mean Harvard):

  • 1 Crawling
    Blend Images - KidStock via Getty Images
    Why encourage something your child will not be doing in college at all? Encourage sitting at a desk. Or -- better yet -- standing at a standing desk!
  • 2 Napping
    Compassionate Eye Foundation/Three Images via Getty Images
    Napping promotes laziness. Lazy babies become lazy children. Lazy children become lazy teenagers. Lazy teenagers do not get into Harvard.
  • 3 Nursery rhymes
    Tetra Images - Jamie Grill via Getty Images
    The pathetic tales glorify inept characters like "Humpty Dumpty" and "Old Mother Hubbard." Role models these are not.
  • 4 Cuddling
    Kei Uesugi via Getty Images
    Cuddling is just another name for coddling. Cuddling promotes infant-parent bonds that can take years to sever.
  • 5 Playgroups
    Compassionate Eye Foundation/Three Images via Getty Images
    These interactions are simply an excuse for the parents of unremarkable children to feel less alone. Instead of socializing with a bunch of future Ivy League rejects, work on flash cards.
  • 6 Baby books
    Tatjana Kaufmann via Getty Images
    Please do not record your baby's milestones in a baby book. Rolled over at 4 months? Smiled at 6 weeks? Who cares? By writing about insignificant events, you begin a pattern of setting the bar low for your child's real accomplishments. And by real accomplishments I'm talking about bringing home "A's."
  • 7 Scribbling
    Jill Tindall via Getty Images
    It's not writing. It's not art. It's a waste of time. Besides, when was the last time you saw a college application written in red crayon?

This post appeared on Mammalingo on April 27th.

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