09/30/2015 04:25 pm ET Updated Sep 29, 2016

In Response to the New Facebook Guidelines...

In response to new Facebook guidelines, I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to my photos and personal details -- including my shoe and bra sizes -- as a result of the "Berner" Convention. (The Berner Convention is not to be confused with the Bernie Convention, a Comic-Con type celebration of all things "Bert" and "Ernie." It should also not be confused with the "Berne" convention, the international agreement governing copyright.)

I hereby declare that any and all former classmates are not allowed to scan and post pages which include photos of me and my acne from old school yearbooks. If those people have that much time on their hands, I'd like to ask for their help in making baby books for my second and third children. I did one for my first kid and now feel like shit because I didn't make them for the other two. It's not that I don't have time, it's just that I'm really lazy. I assume that people who are scanning yearbooks from 1986 through 1992 and then tagging everyone who appears on those pages has the time and energy.

From now until forever, Facebook is not to disseminate further news items about that human butt pimple Donald Trump unless it's one particular, super awesome illustration with a cat on top of his head instead of hair. Facebook is also prohibited from publishing or promoting "trending" news stories involving reality stars who post photos of themselves unless it's shortly after they cured cancer.

Parents are hereby required to limit posts about their super-smart, super-hilarious, super-athletic children to 15 per day. Mothers and fathers -- ten or twenty years ago -- used to only keep one or two photos of their children in their wallets at a time and that was plenty. Regarding immediate families, spouses who did NOT marry their best friends are allowed to celebrate wedding anniversaries on Facebook. However, women and men who DID marry their best friends are prohibited from saying this more than three years in a row. If they do, friends are allowed to reply to these posts with comments like "I'm so glad to see you guys got over that rough patch!" and "Did I ever tell you he was my first?!!!!"

Facebook is required to create a control for me and only for me so that I am unable to accidentally type in the name of an old crush on "update status" instead of "search." When I first joined Facebook, I came very close to almost posting the name of this "old crush" who never really liked me in my status update because I was tired and don't read things carefully. I want to point out that even though I was Googling this old crush, that I am happily married -- but I won't say that it's to my best friend because Berner Convention prohibits that statement.