On the sixth-floor maternity ward
Of a hospital called Lenox Hill,
Two new parents of one little girl
Paid a very big hospital bill.
They brought in their own security.
Their baby, they wanted to guard her.
Jay-Z and Beyoncé went all out
For the birth of Blue Ivy Carter.
Bringing Up Bébé hit the bookstores,
Telling us French moms were really wise.
Because when it comes to sitting still,
Their kids supposedly get the prize.
Last year, the rage was Chinese mothers.
Now moms in France are superior.
If you write a book on parenting,
Make sure the grass is always greener.
Actress Alicia Silverstone
Posted video feeding her son.
She fed the baby her chewed up food,
And the clip was watched by everyone.
I thought one thing was odd about it:
She sells cookbooks on the same website.
No matter your take on what she did,
It sure made you lose your appetite.
She "never worked a day in her life."
That is what a TV pundit said
About mother-of-five Ann Romney,
As if Ann spent all day in her bed.
Let me paraphrase the great Colbert
Who said it as only Stephen could,
You know what has never worked a day?
A public attack on motherhood.
TIME Magazine had just one question.
Its cover asked, "Are You Mom Enough?"
Are you a good egg? Or a bad nut?
As a mom, do you have the right stuff?
The bloggers, they all blogged about it.
They wrote about it right off the bat.
And the general consensus was,
"What kind of a dumb question is that?"
The Atlantic ran a big story
About the myth of work-life balance.
It addressed systemic barriers
That make "having it all" a challenge.
Society.... Our economy...
And even the company we keep...
The only way you can "Have It All,"
Is if you never needed to sleep.
Really big year for Lena Dunham.
On HBO, "Girls" made its debut.
Mindy Kaling got her own sitcom.
And the whole world met Honey Boo Boo.
But my favorite new celebrity,
Claims they're somebody's son or daughter.
Yep, I'm smitten with a made-up kid
Who goes by the name, "Honest Toddler."
Since it was a major lifestyle change,
Snooki's pregnancy was headline news.
She became ill from morning sickness,
And not hangovers from drinking booze.
"I've changed," said the star of Jersey Shore,
Whose fame had come from brawls and shoving.
Pregnant, she took the road less traveled.
No tanning. No partying. No clubbing.
A Utah mom and her twin toddlers
Had restaurant diners complaining.
The mother let her children eat lunch,
While in the midst of potty training.
There was no need to use a high chair.
There was no need for a booster seat.
They just sat on small toddler potties.
Their mama hoped they'd sh$t where they eat.
"Rumour Had It" there was some news:
Adele gave birth, and she had a son.
But she didn't announce baby's name.
The famous new mum was keeping mum.
Adele never named the heartbreaker
Who inspired songs from Twenty One.
So it shouldn't have been a surprise,
She kept this secret from everyone.
Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor
Made a brief appearance on TV.
She went to visit Sesame Street.
And chatted with Abby Cadabby.
The judge told the little pink Muppet
A lesson that she needed to hear:
A lawyer is and a doctor is,
But a princess is not a career.
When St. James's Palace confirmed the news,
There was such excitement, the earth shook.
It turns out the Duchess of Cambridge
Will need to read her own special book:
What To Expect When You're Expecting
The Third In Line Who Will Take The Throne;
What To Expect When It's Royalty
Who Is Calling Your Uterus Home.