23 September 2012
Interim, Interim Head Coach
New Orleans Saints
Metry, Louisiana (who the hell knows what the zip code is)
Dear Interim, Interim Head Coach, Aaron Kromer:
As I sit here, writing this note and sipping my hemlock tea, I contemplate Sunday's game and what took place. Or, rather, what didn't take place. When I start delving into all the stats, the missed opportunities, the lackluster performance, it overloads my one feeling and I have to jolt it back to life with watching an excerpt from a Lifetime movie for women. I can't take this anymore. My one feeling has had ENOUGH.
Just in case you didn't know... One cannot go to the playoffs (Playoffs, ha! How about an even record!) when one's team starts 0-3 with losses to the Redskins, the Panthers, and the Chiefs. These were our gravy games. Did you know that the Skins lost to the Rams? The RAMS, I say. They have a better record than we do. I can't even wrap my brain around this concept. I further can't fathom the notion that we face next Monday the Green Bay Packers. In case you didn't know, they are a pretty damned good team.
Did you know that one's team cannot go to the playoffs when one's defense allows 250+ yards rushing per game?
Did you know that one cannot go to the playoffs when one cannot control the time of possession, thus leaving their sickly defense on the field way too long? During the fourth quarter, I saw Drew Brees take out his needlepoint because he had so much time on his hands.
Did you know that one cannot go to the playoffs when one's mortal enemy is winning games against quality teams?
Did you know that I work with both a Cowboys' fan and a Falcons' fan? This means that Tuesday will not be a pleasant experience for this Saints fan in her office. I say Tuesday because there is no way that I can show my face at the office today. I do have my dignity.
And, I have done everything in my power to help shake up my gameday traditions. I changed my wardrobe for Sunday's game. I re-introduced pizza rolls to the culinary lineup. I even made a makeshift altar halfway through the third quarter. I did my part. How about you? Now, I find myself reduced to making a paper bag hat for my cat, Dew Drop Brees. He's so sickened by these shenanigans that he has started to wear a mask. And, he is only a cat, albeit a special one.
In sum, Interim, Interim Head Coach, Kromer, I beseech you to do everything in your power to get this team on track. Bench players. Bench coaches. Slap them around, if you have to. Chew some Juicy Fruit. Just Do Something. And, DO YOUR JOB.
The Mother Hen