12/20/2010 12:41 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Moody's Under Renewed Pressure (Satire)

I apologize for breaking my vow of silence for the holiday. However, I was forwarded this advance copy of a high voltage story that will appear on the front page of one of the world's major financial newspaper tomorrow. It seems appropriate to pass it along in this season of sharing.


London, 21 December 2010 -- Iceland, Ireland and Greece today downgraded their financial rating of Moody's to COUNTER INDICATED. Citing the troubled Wall Street firm's deepening credibility position, the three Central Bank Governors took their action amid reports that the Moody's board is under mounting pressure to make heavy investments in state of the art analytical techniques to be offset by steep cuts in its swollen executive corps. It is unclear whether the credibility challenged company will find the capital markets ready to buy Moody's bonds and equity without further guarantees of sustainable honesty and integrity. Yields on M bonds rose sharply in afternoon trading after the simultaneous announcements in Reykjavik, Dublin and Athens.

Moody's rating for months has been fluctuating between BARELY WORTH NOTING and IGNORE since the crisis broke in June. Analysts now fear a contagion effect as financial institutions worldwide turn anxious eyes toward Standard & Poor's and Fitch. The F-SPaM trio have all come under speculative attack by investors who increasingly are asking themselves why they should pay premium prices for services that are available for a fraction of the sum at Gypsy fortune tellers. As one senior monetary official confided to Weakleaks, "We may be seeing the unraveling of the entire consortium unless cabal members take drastic steps to reaffirm their invaluable contribution to the global economy."

In Washington, President Obama assured reporters at a hastily called press conference in the White House Rose Garden that "the United States stands ready to do everything in its power to persuade China to lend assistance at this critical moment for the world's credit rating industry." Attempts to reach executives at the three firms were unsuccessful and messages have not been returned. There are unconfirmed reports of callers to Moody's hearing recordings of "Careless Love." The standard time-passer for decades has been "Sunny Side of the Street." A random call to Standard & Poor's produced Al Jolson singing "Brother, Can You Spare A Dime." Fitch apparently has not changed its open loop of "Amazing Grace."

~ Winston Buckmeister