04/26/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Con Games: Conservative Crack-Up

Who knew? Who knew that Scott Brown's election to the Teddy seat in the United States Senate would break open the slush of bipartisanship? But hey, as Peter Gammons used to say in the Boston Globe, a guy's got to eat, and not even a flopper like Brown can avoid the need to vote for jobs in his home state of Massachusetts.

What's going on here? as Dick Young used to say in the Daily News.

Who knew that Mike Huckabee, Bill Bennett, Arnold Schwartzenegger, and talk show host Michael Smerconish would all have the same revelation with 72 hours or so: i.e., that conservatism as we now know it is a non-starter--bad for politics and really really bad for the people?

Let me see if I've got this straight. The Tea Party types hate the Republican Party and the Democrats. The Republican Party is repulsed by the Tea Party but needs them to elect anybody this side of Joe Lieberman. Bill Bennett thinks Glenn Beck is "dangerous." Beck, flashing his high school sheepskin in the face of the former Education Secretary's PhD, thinks a "New World Order" is imminent based on the three books he's read in the last 24 months. The Gubernator, a Republican, thinks the Republicans are 98-pound weaklings when it comes to health care reform. The owlish Smerconish has come to the conclusion that he ain't no Republican no mo' after thirty years of trying--and so he's flying the coop.

Dick Cheney is in the hospital with chest pains. That should tell you something right there. Who needs a better metaphor than Darth Veepster under the close observation of men and women in white coats? With a 13 percent approval rating as he left the Ovaltine Office, no wonder the good folks at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) chanted "Run Dick Run" when he showed up to take a bow. Huckabee his ownself ran in the opposite direction this time when CPAC came around.

And Sarah Palin, now more populist than thou or thine, suddenly refused to show up at CPAC, probably because they don't want to pay her to open her well-oiled yap.

And so it goes in the Conservative House of Dogma--or is it Doggerel--where the party of ideas wouldn't know a new one if it bit them in the keister, meester. Did anyone with half-a-brain ever think conservatism would come to this?