I swish. I'm tired of apologizing for it or being scared of it. I'm ready to be comfortable in my own skin. I'm not completely there, but I'm ready to be. Isn't that the first step? Acknowledging?
I'm a gay man. I was born gay. The question "What if it was a choice? Would it matter?" has been posed to me a few times lately. I don't know how to answer that, because for me it wasn't a choice. I'm thinking I wouldn't choose to live my life attracted to men in a world full of venom-spewing right-wingers and so-called Christians who desire a "vomit" button to show their distaste for same-sex love.
I want to be brave and live my life. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to be happy. I want to know that Heaven awaits me. I want the fear of Hell to go away. I want to understand why the verses in the Bible about homosexuality still carry so much weight in the 21st century. I want to know if the translation of those verses is a colossal joke left by the man who translated them so many years ago.
I want to be proud of myself. I want to know that God is not sitting on his throne in Heaven shaking his head at me in disappointment. I want to bring joy and pride to my parents, not the disappointment that I fear they feel when they think about me.
I want to live my life without shame. I want my attraction to men to be nothing more than that: an attraction to the same sex. Love is love.
I want to practice what I preach and fearlessly believe it.
I swish. When I walk down the street with a good jam playing through the earbuds of my iPod, I strut it out. I want to live in that happy place without fear. I want to mouth the words without caring who might be watching me, as if I were rehearsing for my next drag performance.
I want to learn to laugh at myself, to not take myself so seriously. "It's only life, after all." I want to let go and take a deep breath, feel my shoulders release all their tension and know that life will continue even if I leave my armor lying on the side of the road somewhere.
"Life is for living." I've read that and heard it on television sitcoms and dramas and in movies. I've heard it in songs. Life is for living. I want to live. I want to thrive. I want to know what life is like when my heart is filled to bursting because I've opened it up to embrace the help and love of another person.
Imagine what I could accomplish if I would just unlock the lock, embrace vulnerability, step out into the world and swish my way to the fearless life of happiness that I know is out there, the life that I've been too afraid to live.