01/06/2014 04:34 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Attractive and Effective Communication With People Who Have Big Egos

You may find it difficult to communicate with people who have big egos. However, here are 10 important ways in which you can make your communications with them more attractive and effective:

1. Communicate issues and propositions, not personal attacks. Personal attacks will immediately push them into a defensive and confrontational mode and they will not be inclined to agree to anything you have to say. Even if you get them to look at a blue sky and tell them that the sky is blue, if you insult them, they will find a rainbow somewhere in the sky and will disagree with you. So, communicate your point, but don't point fingers!

2. Make requests. Do not command or order them around. Make respectful requests and say "please", or "I request". Refrain from saying "you must", or "you need to", or "you have to."

3. Offer acknowledgments and gratitude. Before communicating any disagreement with them, seek to identify any of their conduct or statements that could be reasonable. Acknowledge said reasonableness. Once you have acknowledged that something that they have said or done is reasonable, they will have an easier time communicating to you that what you are saying or doing is reasonable as well. Say "thank you" any time they compromise or offer concessions, in order to encourage further concessions and compromises.

4. Communicate new facts or points. Do not try to force them to accept that they are wrong, negligent, or inconsistent. If you do, you will face a powerful resistance from their egos. So, instead of telling them that you are right and they are wrong, try to communicate any new and fresh facts or points that you did not previously communicate. In effect, when you communicate new facts or points, you will be creating a brand new proposition or offering which now they can use to "save face" and freely accept. Introducing new facts/points "unfinalizes" previous decisions made by them and creates a shift from an "ego-boxed-in" status to a "free-to-choose" status.

5. Offer an alternative. They may communicate firmly that they absolutely will not give you what you are requesting. However, they may be willing to give you something else that is equally important to you. Instead of "pushing" them into a situation in which they may appear weak and/or inconsistent if they give in to your request, you can instead pull them toward you by giving them a creative alternative to consider. Because alternatives actually create fresh new requests, they can now "save face" and accept your new request.

6. Focus on solutions. Do not complain. For example, when you go to a store, you would ask the store employee for the one or two items that you do want. You would not itemize every item in the store that you do not want. Complaining to the store employee about how you do not like or want all the other non-desired items would obviously be a waste of time and will frustrate the store employee. So, communicate respectfully what it is that you want in a focused manner and avoid useless negativity.

7. Give compliments. Think about anything that you like about them and pay them compliments accordingly. Compliments will powerfully cushion big egos.

8. Invite them to participate. Ask them to share their thoughts and opinions with you. Moreover, communicate that their opinions are important. For example, you could say the following: "Because your opinions are important, I invite you to work with me to _________."

9. Extend your cooperation. You might say something like the following: "How can I cooperate with you to make things better?", or "Is there anything I can do to positively move things forward?", or "I would like to work with you as a team in order to resolve this matter."

10. Do not boast or brag. Other than stroking your own ego, boasting/bragging does not make your communication more attractive or effective in any manner. Instead, it fuels them to prove you wrong.

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