10/30/2014 10:56 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Selfie Marriage


It's recently been said that a person doesn't leave a marriage because it's bad; today he or she leaves because it could be better.

Enter the Selfie Marriage, the What-About-Me Marriage.

And it is being touted as revolutionary. It's where partners ask themselves not what they can do for each other, but what the relationship can do for them.

It's a place where ideas like monogamy and emotional transparency are considered outdated, unnecessary and even stifling.

But after being in the trenches with couples for decades, I'm here to tell you I have my reservations about this supposed turn of events.

For one thing, what happens when one spouse wants to redefine the meaning of monogamy and loosen the marital reins, but the other wants nothing of the sort.

For that person, feeling safe and secure in the marriage is a prerequisite for intimacy. Then what?

And what about the couple who willingly open their marriage to other sexual partners but do not anticipate how they might feel when, completely unplanned, one spouse starts falling in love with another person?

And what about the children?

Once you bring children into the world, do you not have to consider what is in their best interest?

Is moving on to another relationship because it seems like it might be more personally satisfying, good for the kids?

And doesn't the grass often look greener on the other side?

After leaving a marriage for a so-called "soul mate," once the thrill wears off, are you painfully reminded that all relationships require work?

Proponents of the Selfie Marriage point to divorce as proof that marriage doesn't work.

But what's the proof that alternative lifestyles are failing if, after leaving one's marriage the choice is serial monogamy or threesomes?

I don't believe there are National Health Statistic reports on miserable affairs or wretched threesomes.

So while I believe that people should be happy and feel loved, I'm fairly convinced that, except in extreme situations, dumping your spouse and playing the field won't get you there.

Learning how to get it right in your current marriage might.

Plus, if always wondering, "What's in this for me,?" is the new way of thinking about love, then call me old-fashioned.

I still like to give.

See the new TEDx Talk this post is based on. -The Sex-Starved Marriage

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