05/27/2014 02:26 pm ET Updated Jul 23, 2014

Madonna Starts Twitter War With James Franco's Cock!

Ha ha, made ya look!

I worked tirelessly for about six seconds to come up with a headline that would grab the most attention from the Gay Voices readership. Visit any gay blog or website, and the most popular posts always seem to focus on two things: sex and divas. Believe me honey I get it: High web traffic drives high ad dollars. It's all about eyeballs, people. Such topics are referred to as "click bait." I was happier when the gays were more interested in "dick bait," which in my case was dim lighting and a steady supply of percocet. Oh yes dear, appearances do count for a lot (today's homophone: gaze/gays) Quite frankly, I aint looking so pretty; at this point the only hook up app that works for me is Blindr. Truly, the camera doesn't love me, though we did have a one night stand.

One also, apparently, must be "straight acting." I hate that term, as well as "gaybro" and "real man." I'm not generally into labels, and "butch" is hardly one I'd apply to myself. I went on a date recently and the dude asked if I was into monogamy, but I thought he said Mahogany. I then launched into a 20-minute tirade about how Diana Ross was at least eight inches too short to ever be an actual working fashion model. I'm still waiting for him to call me back.

Auntieway, I did consider some other headlines that I thought would lure the most readers into my web of homosensual philosophizing. The top contenders were:

"Sexy banker dudes steal trillions of dollars, destroy global economy with low morals and killer pecs!"

"Beyonce drops secret visual album about melting polar ice caps"

"Watch Gay Olympic swimmer Tom Daley get massaged while talking about the evils of big pharma!"

"Sex with robots?!? ...not tonight dear, I've blown a circuit"

"Janis Joplin cloned from DNA found on water bong; slated to appear in Disney's 'The Not So Little Mermaid' on Broadway"

So are "the gays" only about what turns them on and turns them out? Of course not. There is plenty of online content to be found about important issues like healthcare, marriage equality, the evils of the religious right and the homophobic horror shows of Uganda and Russia. Yet somehow, what I mainly see people talking about on Facebook, twitter et al are Solange's rage, Jon Hamm's penism and who was the hottest mess on RuPaul's drag race. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for drag queens and trashy culture and big dicks, but to quote Peggy Lee, is that all there is? Why aren't we angrier?

Perhaps it's about community awareness, dialoguing, being conscious. Let's keep the knowledge flowing and keep broadening the conversation. (For the record, I absolutely love HuffPo's new categories: Albino Voices, Codependent Voices, and Passive-Aggressive Cashier at the Express Lane Voices).

They say that "life is what you pay attention to." Recently, a team of neuro-scientists and political analysts discovered that... Oh wait. Shit. I hate to end this so abruptly, but I just got a link to the most amazing video on TMZ: Zac Efron is naked and sweaty and clipping Kim Kardashian's toenails! #GirlLetMeCallYouBackLater