I know we don't know each other very well, so please excuse me for being this forward. I don't want to come on too strong, but I can't hide my feelings any longer. The truth is, I think I've fallen in love with you.
Look, I'll be frank: you're not exactly popular with my friends. Some of them think you're loud and dumb, and I'll admit that, before I knew you, I felt the same way. But I was wrong. As for them, they just don't know you like I know you. Sure, they've warned me to stay away from you. Begged me not to fall for your not-entirely-well-acted charms. "Your love for Battleship will ruin your reputation," they say. Do you want to know what I say? I say, to hell with them.
I know what you're thinking, Battleship. You're thinking, Mike Ryan, you're this shy, awkward, transplanted Midwesterner, and I am this nonsensical, "in your face" juggernaut that has zero shame or self-awareness -- we have nothing in common. But the truth is, you are extremely self-aware. You know your faults and you carry them around like a badge of honor. And that's why I just have to be with you.
And believe me, we have plenty in common. I wasn't with you for more than five minutes before you started playing one of my favorite songs, "Interstate Love Song" by Stone Temple Pilots. (Do you call them "STP" for short, just like I do? I bet you do.) And then you cued up AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" -- it's as if you somehow knew that in high school I used to blast this song at foundation-shaking decibel levels because it made me feel cool. Guess what, Battleship: you make me feel cool, too.
And we like the same movies! I was so surprised when you made that E.T. reference. The alien wants to phone home? Hahahah. Yeah, just like E.T. did! And, correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe one of your characters says, "I've got a bad feeling about this." The fact that we're both Star Wars fans makes me think we were meant to be together.
I know what your friends are saying about me. I've heard the whispers: "He's so nice in person, then the next thing you know he's publicly ripping you apart in a fake question-and-answer session." Oh, they'll threaten to not let me talk to you. They'll threaten to not let me see you in the future. But, Battleship, I swear to you, my love for you is true. There's no 25 Questions coming -- not this time. My love for you is deeper than any I've felt before. I'll never betray you, Battleship.
I've seen you do things that I've never seen before. I mean, I love a good board game as much as the next guy, but to make a feature-length movie out of it? And to incorporate the actual game play of the board game into the movie? You are a crafty vixen, Battleship.
Remember the time you punched an alien in the face and its teeth flew out? Remember when you hired real-life war veterans and let them act in you? Shame on those who compare you to Transformers. Is Josh Duhamel a real-life veteran? Without looking up the answer to make sure I'm right, I'm just going to go ahead and say he's not. But you are filled with them! And they get to fight aliens! That is awesome in so many ways.
Good grief, I feel like a school kid again! I'm in love and I don't care who knows it. Of course, I'm not sure my parents will understand. I can hear my dad now: "Son, I thought I raised you better than this. Why can't you find a soul mate a little more your speed? That Avengers movie looks nice. Or, I can set you up with Larry Crowne, if you want." Well, Dad, The Avengers is nice. The belle of the ball, if you will. But The Avengers is not Battleship. The Avengers knows that it's good. Battleship doesn't give a rat's ass if it's good or not. "Here I am, " Battleship says. "Love me or hate me, that's fine. Just don't get in my fucking way." Dad, I love you. But you're not stopping this.
Battleship, you complete me. Battleship, you had me at "Mahalo, motherfucker."
All My Love,
Mike Ryan is senior entertainment writer for The Huffington Post. He likes Star Wars a lot. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.