11/05/2007 05:52 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Waterboard Mukasey, Schumer and Feinstein Can Assist

Michael Mukasey says he needs more information to determine if the ancient Spanish Inquisition technique of waterboarding is torture as defined under US laws and treaties. Perhaps the Senate Judiciary Committee, with a little help from his Democratic enablers-- Sen. Chuck Schumer and Sen. Diane Feinstein--can help provide him with the necessary information.

Before the Judiciary Committee votes on his nomination to become America's top law enforcement officer, bring Judge Mukasey and an expert CIA interrogator before the Judiciary Committee for a scientific experiment in "enhanced interrogation techniques". While the CIA interrogator provides direction, Sen. Schumer can tie a rag around Mukasey's face and pin his arms behind his back. Sen. Feinstein can then pore water down Mukasey's throat for two or three minutes until his lungs are about to explode and the interrogator tells her she must stop because Mukasey is about to drown to death.

Schumer and Feinstein can then ask Mukasey again whether he has enough information yet to decide if waterboarding is torture. When he sputters that he still needs a further classified briefing from the White House before he can make up his mind, they can ask him to try the technique out himself on Rudy Giuliani (for whom Mukasey is a former advisor on legal policy), Mitt Romney are Fred Thompson, who are climbing all over each other to prove which of them love's waterboarding more.

These esteemed Senators can then vote to confirm Mukasey because, as Sen. Feinstein reassures us, "First and foremost, Michael Mukasey is not Alberto Gonzales."

And anyway, Sens. Schumer and Feinstein have to worry about Pres. Bush's "who's your daddy" challenge that if Judiciary Committee blocks Mukasey because of his noncommittal stance on the legality of waterboarding, it would set a new standard that could not be met by any "responsible" nominee for attorney general. After all Schumer and Feinstein wouldn't want to risk, by standing up to Bush, that the Democratic-led Congress's 28%approval rating might rise above Pres. Bush's 33% rating.