06/08/2012 01:53 pm ET Updated Aug 08, 2012

Coming to Terms With Doggie Terms

So,here I am, I've been a new puppy owner for exactly 2-1/2 months now. In this short time, I've come to realize that I am not the only clueless person around when it comes to dogs. I've begun pondering all the phrases and idioms that include the word "dog" and I've realized that none of them make any sense at all.

To wit:

1. It's a dog's life. I wish. Dogs have the best life ever. They sleep all day, get pet constantly, food and fresh water is readily available, they get monthly pedicures, plenty of exercise.. what's not to like???

2. Dog eat dog. Yeah, right. A dog will eat anything (slippers, mud, sticks, rocks, grass, furniture, stairs), but other dogs?? No way!!

3. At the end of my leash. Supposedly it means exasperation, however in doggie terms it just means that Master is not walking him fast enough... too much to see and do..not enough time

4. Dog tired. What the heck do they have to be tired about? They sleep 14 hours a day. Expression should be changed to "refreshed as a dog" or "dog lazy."

5. Dog days of summer. Yeah, best time ever!!! When else does puppy's dutiful master take him out to every water fountain in the city? Let him run around splashing and swimming, let puppy get thoroughly soaked, while Master constantly wipes the sweat from her brows, cursing that she forgot, yet again, to get herself a water bottle.

6. Let sleeping dogs lie. No way, you'd never get anything done!! (Please see No. 4 for reference)

7. Barking up the wrong tree. No such thing. According to my puppy, all trees are the right trees. He never met a tree he didn't like.

8. In the doghouse. Yes, that would be a bad thing, if the dog house wasn't actually a split-level dwelling with central air.

9. A dog's breakfast. Supposedly meaning a vast smorgasbord. Alas, in my puppy's case, he only eats one type of food... really healthy food... so if you happen to ever bump in to him, please don't mention the people-food thing!!

10. Every dog has his day. Only one day!! No way, my puppy has captured my heart for life!!!