03/30/2015 11:27 am ET Updated May 30, 2015

When Did That Happen?

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One of my Dad's favorite expressions was, "You must have been hiding behind the barn when the brains got handed out."

I never really understood why someone would hide in order to avoid brains. But I got the point. I always seemed to miss something important.

I knew by the age of 15 that I must have been hiding behind the barn when the boobies got handed out.

And there have been lots of cultural changes that seemed to have happened while I was behind the barn.

For instance, I seem to have missed that moment in time when spaghetti became pasta. And:

  • When did potatoes become starch? When did meat become protein?
  • And when did pocketbooks become handbags?
  • When did quilts become duvets? (And how do you keep the inside part of the duvet from bunching up at the end of the outer duvet?)
  • When, exactly, did station wagons become SUVs? Or minivans? What makes a minivan mini, anyway? They look pretty big to me.
  • When did rouge become blush? When did moisturizer become BB cream? When did BB cream become CC cream? When is DD coming out?
  • When did water become something you buy?
  • When did beer transition from Schlitz to Boutique?
  • And when did self-centered, demanding bitches become divas? And why is it OK for little girls to want to become one?

And -- at the risk of getting too serious (which I almost never am):

  • When did warfare become conventional?
  • When did compromise become a dirty word?
  • When did we stop even pretending that we care about poor people?