07/29/2015 01:21 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Donald Trump; the Hero Gotham Needs


I know, I know.

Just hear me out.

In economics, there's something called the greater fool theory.

The fool invests, waits for the value of his investment to increase, and then sells that investment to another fool--who in turn repeats this process over and over again, artificially inflating the value of the investment.

Then the greater fool comes along and makes a terrible deal, realizes it, and sells in a panic--this is how recessions are born.

Economists call this a boom and bust cycle.

What, you must be thinking, does this have to do with The Donald?

Many economists believe boom and bust cycles are an innate feature of our contemporary free-market utopia, and naturally occur every 8 to 10 years--like winter in Westeros.

And if they're right, then the next President will have to deal with another catastrophic money drought at some point in their administration.

Now, is Donald Trump a racist? Sure. But that's nothing new.

All the Presidents were racists up until at least Jimmy Carter. Lyndon Johnson liked the n-word so much he basically used it as a semicolon.

Is Donald Trump an asinine tortoise who can't open his babble chute without shoving his own NBC sized foot in it? No doubt--but we lived through eight years of George W. having his own press corps.

Is Donald Trump at least good at making money? Not really.

Donald is the son of the late real-estate mogul Fred Trump, who left him several hundred million dollars at the time of his passing.

But Donald's story is not one defined by inheritance but rather of succession of power.

In 1971, Donald took control of his father's company, which if valued at $200 million then would be worth roughly $1.1 trillion today by virtue of simple inflation--arguably half* of his net worth.

And since Donald has come into his own, he's declared bankruptcy four times--in 1991, '92, '04, and as recently as '09.

These bankruptcies have happened because Donald is perennially over leveraged.

The Trump Building at 40 Wall Street is emblematic of the Trump school of business. The New York Tax Assessors Office estimates the value of the Trump Building at around $90 million--and Trump has it mortgaged to the tune of $120 million, money he has supposedly used to invest in other properties.

That's what Donald does. He puts a down payment on a property, mortgages that property at a value added rate, and then repeats.

His empire is smoke and mirrors.

What Donald Trump is very good at is borrowing money.

And he's even better at never paying it back.

Take--for instance--Trump Airlines. Donald bought Eastern Airlines in 1988 for $365 million. He took out massive loans to refit the entire fleet of 727's with gold bathroom fixtures, etc. and then preceded to default on those loans and never paid his creditors a cent.

He lost the planes, of course.

And that's the point. That's the guy we need in charge of our ballooning deficit, a guy who knows how to effectively shirk his financial responsibilities.

If there was a House Trump their words would be "Trumps never pay their debts."

They say there's a man for every moment in history. We've had an actor in the White House, we've had a cowboy, we've had a scholar, and a gentleman--this moment requires a different kind of man, a conman.

A vote for Donald Trump is a vote for gorgeously reckless consequence-blind materialism, it's a vote for the American way.

And, I have it on good authority, if we all show up to the polls Donald will take everyone wearing a Trump '16 button for a spin in his gold plated gulf-stream, champagne snifters, Quaaludes, and all.


*The Donald's net worth is notoriously hard to nail down.