09/05/2013 03:39 pm ET Updated Nov 05, 2013

Menopause Is a Bitch!

Menopause is a bitch and I believe that any woman who states otherwise is lying. I have heard of these legendary women that go through menopause without a single symptom, but I believe they are like bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster; tales told to keep menopausal women thinking it is all in our heads.

It started out with good old hot flashes, which, if you have never experienced one, is like someone setting you on fire, and putting you out... just to set you on fire again. It's a very sadistic game your lack of hormones plays with your body. I even bought the "Cool Pillow" from Costco that claimed to help my dreaded night sweats. Well, no. It didn't help. The only thing it did was keep me up at night as I tried to move from one "cool side" to the other.

Luckily, I have found a drug that prevents me from bursting into flames every 10 to 20 minutes. Unfortunately, one of the drug's many side effects is weight gain. F#*%ing Perfect!! Now I'm fat.

I will admit that when I was younger I, like most girls, struggled with issues of weight. It didn't matter how thin I was, I always thought I was fat. This is the sad reality of being a woman in our society. Straight from the womb, we are bombarded with images of perfect, air-brushed, under-weight women dictating what's considered beautiful. Its no wonder I spent most of my young life drinking coffee and eating Red Hots for lunch. It's like the saying goes, "We all wish we were the weight we were when we thought we were fat."

Recently, I have found that my clothes don't fit, so I thought I'd make the most of a sh*tty situation and try and sell them in order to purchase new clothes. I guess I didn't get the memo that said I'm no longer cool and my clothing is not on-trend. Walking into my local consignment store, I took my place in line with the rest of the sellers. I waited to have a 20-something gal go through my items of clothing one by one while tying to chit-chat with her co-worker about Miley Cyrus on the VMA's. When she finally did acknowledge my presence, she informed me that the items I brought in were not "on-trend." She continued to inform me that it's all about "peg-leg light wash denim and bell-bottoms." Really!!! Didn't we already do that? And if I remember correctly, that look wasn't cute even then. I ended up with $9 dollars and gave the rest to charity. Bottom line: The newest trends are apparently not for anyone in his or her late 30's. Unless you're still rocking what's on trend (*cough* bell bottoms) then you go with your bad self.

Another fun fact of menopause is that you loose all sex drive. I'm not taking about the "not tonight honey, I have a headache." This is way different. It's more like "I'd rather have hot pokers sticking through the my eyes then engage in any kind of sexual anything." Lack of sex drive is a very common symptom of menopause, although feeling like a fat, stuffed sausage really doesn't help matters. Specifically, in my case, I feel fat, unattractive, rundown and my favorite... an all-over feeling of iciness. I have heard that there are creams or pills or some magical "something" that is suppose to alleviate some of these symptoms. All I can think when considering taking another "something" is... what will the side effect of this magical elixir be? Will I start to grow hair in strange places, climb buildings in a single bound? At what cost do I resurrect my sex life?

You see, these are things that the normal medical journals and pamphlets don't tell you. The women who have a slight hot flash here and there will make you believe that this will be done and over with. Poof! No more period! ut, no. No. No. No.

I am here to tell you that it changes everything. It is not a fun "change of life" experience. It is called a hot flash because it is hell. A burning inferno of Hell on earth.

So, what is your experience? Are you sticking your head in the freezer like me? Do you think of sex as a distant memory of the past? Does the thought of zipping up your now WAY too tight jeans make you want to wear leggings for the rest of your life? Have you invested in different gadgets (damn you, Cool Pillow!) that have turned out to be worthless, and frustrating?

Let me know my friends. I will be waiting to hear your response... while my head is in the fridge.