The American Widow Project is a non-profit organization dedicated to the new generation of those who have lost the heroes of yesterday, today and tomorrow, with an emphasis on healing through sharing stories, tears and laughter.........Widow to Widow.
American Widow Project and In Their Boots are doggedly non-political and nothing either group does is intended to comment on the wars, or the politics that surround them. In Their Boots is here to tell the stories and The American Widow Project is here to support the Families of the Men and Women who have given their lives in the service of their country.
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It seems like from the time I got the knock on the door, I had no time to process the information I was given. From that point forward, my life became a whirlwind for the next month. Not only was I grief-stricken , I was numb, I was in complete denial. All I wanted to do was sit, stare and think about what had just happened. Impossible. It seemed that not even five minutes later I was bombarded with cards, flowers, food, family, friends, CAO's, phone calls, news media, and funeral directors. I can remember the phone never stopped ringing.
A memory that will always stand out in my mind is me at the kitchen table, a CAO to my left showing me the notorious pamplet of caskets and other horrible things, and a funeral director to my right having me look through a notebook of poems for memorial cards. There was a reporter from one newspaper on the couch, and a reporter from the other local newspaper in the chair. Strangers from the church were cooking dinner, and friends gathered around. His parents sat by me helping to confirm my decisions while I just sitting there, with my head on the table, sobbing. All while the phone continued to ring.... How did this happen? Am I really 23 years old, sitting here planning my husbands funeral? Would he like wood or metal better? I really can't make these decisions without him. What would he pick for me? Days like this continued for about a week, and somehow I made all the decisions needed to give him the final goodbye he truly deserved. I don't know how I pulled it off or stayed alive during it. Numbness is a survival mechanism, and it is the only thing I can really say that pulled me through.
The funeral itself was a dream. I remember it, but as I would remember a really vivid dream. I felt so many things at once. I wanted to wake up, but I couldn't. It's almost like planning a wedding. This was the big day, and it happened so fast. I remember there were people lining the streets saluting as our funeral procession went on. The outpouring of respect and emotion by the community was amazing. I wanted to tell Rob more than anything. I wanted to ask him if he was proud of how strong I was. I wanted to tell him, "Hey, can you believe all these people were here for YOU?" He would have never believed it.
Although I was glad they came to salute a hero, I was bitter too. I wanted to tell all of them his favorite color, what he liked to eat, our inside jokes, our intimate talks and his favorite video games. They didn't know any of this. They saw him as Sgt. Robert Carr, the soldier who made the ultimate sacrifice. I knew him as Robbie, my whole life. I felt like I made the ultimate sacrifice too. I hardly looked at those people outside because it didn't matter. They would go back inside their homes or cars, and in a few days not even think much about it. For me, this would consume my life, and the grieving hadn't even really begun.
After the service at the cemetery, after the 21 gun salute, after the folding of the flag, I remember everyone got in their cars and drove off. Rob's casket was just sitting there in the middle of the field and I think it was the hardest part for me, leaving him there. I remember saying, "I cant just leave him here all alone; he would have never left me all alone." The CAO and Rob's parents had to almost drag me out of the cemetery that day. I think that's when it really started to hit me. He was gone, and pretty soon all the people surrounding me, outpouring their love and support would be gone too. That's when I knew, I haven't felt anything yet....