It's officially less than one week until a global earthquake causes the entire world to shatter into pieces. I thought we had another year and a half, but subway signs and sign holders have informed me that the true end of the world is not in December of 2012, but is creeping up on us quickly.
According to subway posters and people raising awareness outside of City Hall earlier this week, the end of the world is really May 21, 2011! So now it's time to grab your parachute and your bungee chords and try something you've never done before! Or, in my case, eat all types of food that I'd like to smother my taste buds with before this global earthquake officially hits. Because while some people like to live like they will be dying -- I'd much rather eat like I am dying.
So let's say this hypothetical earthquake does hit. What's on the final week's menu? In any ordinary situation where life didn't have an expiration date shorter than the one printed on my recently purchased gallon of skim milk, I would be exchanging out my sweets and diving into vegetables, taking out the juices and drowning myself in water -- but this week -- this hypothetical last week of life -- no way.
This week, it's all about welcoming the end by indulging, by screaming over ice cream, by going nutty over peanut butter, and by satisfying every craving my body has ever experienced. This week it's not about counting calories or counting out carbohydrates -- no because at the end of this week the expiration date doesn't mean sour dairy -- it means the end of the world, and I am not ready for the end of the world without these goodies going down with me and in me!
It will be a Macaroni Monday where I'll replace my current no cheese diet with a five-cheese dish topped with bread crumbs (mmm).
Next up it will be a Tastykake Tuesday, which will require a quick trip to Pennsylvania to get an elementary school favorite: cake filled with cream that is surely filled with enough sugar to make me feel ill for a week.
Wild Wednesday which will require a break from eating and a trip to the bar for a hump-day cocktail. The world's ending in three days, so it's very important that you get through this part of the week with something to make you forget what is happening in just a few days.
Following a sold Wild Wednesday, it will be sure to be a Trashy Thursday: And not because I eat trash, but because after a Wild Wednesday I may in fact feel like trash. This will thus require the perfect cure to a strong cosmopolitan and a night of wine...carbs galore. But not just any carbs. Donuts. Every type of donut there is -- glazed, plain, chocolate, blueberry, and cake -- if it's got a hole in it, and it's made of dough -- then it qualifies for Trashy Thursday.
After curing my Wild Wednesday with a Trashy Thursday, it will be onto a Frugal Friday, where I will abstain from eating anything that could cause me too much fullness for d-day -- or Saturday -- or better known as the end of the world: May 21, 2011. In fact, I'll probably fill myself with foods that are known to be reverse in calories like celery -- and other vegetables and fruits, so that I will be able to explode with deliciousness on Sayonara Saturday.
That's right folks -- I'll be toasting goodbye to the world, with everyone else, by fully indulging in peanut butter -- everything, a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cookie dough ice cream, and a can of whip cream. That's right folks, I'm going out with a bang when May 21st comes ... a bang.
But gosh. I better just hope May 21st really is the end, because otherwise, I might just explode from my deliciously disgusting decadent days of Macaroni Monday, Tastykake Tuesday, Wild Wednesday, Trashy Thursday, Frugal Friday, and Sayonara Saturday.
I think I'll stick to eating to live. Bring it on May 21st.
- By Libby Segal