11/03/2011 11:00 am ET Updated Jan 03, 2012

NFL Fans Invent New Energy Source To Power TVs Amid Outages

Tarrytown, NY -- An unseasonable snowstorm caused power outages across the Northeast this Saturday, threatening to disrupt NFL Sunday and Monday Night Football. Terrified by the looming possibility of missing Sunday's and Monday's games, football fans banded together and accomplished what scientists have only theorized about: They identified a cheap and abundant energy source.

"The power companies were completely unprepared for this storm," said Benjamin Valdez, a Giants fan whose scientific knowledge is limited to Ms. Alouish's chemistry class during his junior year of high school. "What, were we supposed to wait until Monday or Tuesday for the power to come back on? No, we did what needed doing."

Ahead of New York's clash with Miami at 1:00 p.m. EST on Sunday, a group of desperate Giants fans in Westchester County solved the riddle of cold fusion, which has confounded electrochemists and physicists since the late 80s, in order to ensure they had electricity for the game.

"Martin Fleischmann and Stanley Pons were closer to a solution than they thought," said Vern Knight, longtime Giants fan and perennial layman of science. "Their math was kinda sloppy. We just cleaned it up a little. Really not a big deal."

In related news, Colts fans are investigating the findings of scientists at the Gran Sasso facility in central Italy -- whose experiments could open up the possibility of time travel, some speculate -- in order to go back in time and redo this season.

Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.