THE BLOG
04/29/2011 12:13 pm ET Updated Jun 29, 2011

"Soulers" Demand Proof of Obama's Soul

Following President Barack Obama's press conference, during which he distributed photocopies of his long-form U.S. birth certificate, a group of "birthers" splintered off into a new group known as the "soulers."

Soulers question the authenticity of the president's soul and demand proof of his God-given spiritual essence.

"How do we know that he's not a demon trying to destroy America with social programs and hip hop?" said Arlene Fenton, a souler from Fairhope, Alabama. "He has never offered one shred of proof of the existence of his soul."

Soulers are calling for the president to submit to "soul-drilling" - a medical procedure by which the components of the soul are ascertained. A drill is used to bore a hole into the cranium and into the spinal cord, providing a path for the amorphous hallmark of sentience to exit the body. The soul is then captured and sealed in a plastic container to be examined under microscope.

The Daily Pygmy asked self-proclaimed soulologist Cody Burch if a subject can survive soul-drilling.

"No, but it's the only way we'll know the truth," said Mr. Burch. "If the outgassed vapor tests negative, he's a demon. Good riddance. If it tests positive, then he has a soul. He'll be with God, so no harm, no foul."

Democrats have decried soul-drilling and the souling movement in general.

"It's laughable and it's barbaric," said Democratic Senator Al Franken. "Everyone knows that the only way to prove the existence of a soul is to boil a human alive."

Today, re-released videos of the president dancing salsa at Fiesta Latina in 2009 proved the existence of his soul.

Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.