07/16/2012 02:27 pm ET Updated Sep 14, 2012

Why Can't I Have Sex with Mick Jagger?

Mick Jagger has reportedly slept with 4,000 women. Gene Simmons claims he has bedded 4,800 women. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I'd rather have sex with Pinocchio.

If I seem defensive, it's because Mick Jagger wouldn't touch me with a 12-foot dinosaur penis. (I'm so embarrassed I read that article on "Dinosaur Sex" on The Huffington Post, but it was right there on the front page and I never miss a day reading HuffPost. My cursor flew over to the link and clicked on it before I even knew it. Are we getting too much information about animal sex on the Internet?)

Back to sex with Mick. I'm so glad he didn't summon me up to his room during a slow night years ago because I would have had to pull the wedding ring card. "Look, I'm married," I'd say. "I don't care," he'd say. "But my husband would care, and he would shoot man with big tongue." I don't have random sex with rock stars because they're just so fickle. (Actually, I haven't had random sex since the '70s... what a crazy decade.)

Women usually head for their lawyer's office if their husband (or significant other) has an affair with just one woman. So 4,000 women would be 3,999 too many for me. I might spot you one in 30 years, but not two or three... or 4,000!

I feel like some women sleep with Mick and Gene because they have a few minutes to spare before their fish sticks come out of the oven.

There's a huge difference between having gratuitous sex and making love. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Romance is on its way out. Everyone seems to be jumping into bed the first night they meet someone or even within a few minutes of making eye contact. Are we putting a new spin on a classic trivia game? Six Degrees of sex With Kevin Bacon?

We all have our fantasies to divert us. There's that popular erotic book Fifty Shades of Grey, which I haven't read but it's on my list. I've been busy with my own fantasies. I'm Bugs Bunny's mistress (hey, I have a stunted imagination, so I need to get to the book store).

Maybe I'm too old school, but I just don't think jumping in between the sheets with Mick Jagger or Gene Simmons would -- wait a minute, never mind, they wouldn't even consider holding my hand, let alone sleep with me.

Something's come over me and it's called menopause.