09/19/2012 05:06 pm ET Updated Nov 19, 2012

The Daily 'Fox & Friends' Roundup: I Watch So You Don't Have To!

Fox & Friends Roundup Wed., Sept 19, 2012

Ah, another morning with Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade. As a freelancer, I'm prone to sleeping late. But when I realized I had slept away the entire morning of summer, I got concerned -- and realized I needed a reason to get up. My fix? Fox & Friends. While most people wondered why I decided to live-tweet the hysterical, yapping morning show of the right from the conventions through the election, to me it made perfect sense. I love a good comedy -- and that show is like watching a daily installment of a Christopher Hayden Guest mocumentary.

You've got Steve Doocy -- affectionately referred to by chirons on screen as "The Dooce" -- Seriously. Either someone over at Fox News really doesn't like the guy, or maybe... they just don't know that "The Dooce" is a homophonic synonym for a bowel movement. During the DNC, there was a clip of The Dooce flitting around the grounds of the NASCAR museum on a segue with the subtitle "The Dooce on The Loose" -- as if someone's toilet had overflowed. The Dooce is the man with the perma-smirk; Former Miss America, Gretchen "Gretch" Carlson -- who often reminds me of SNL vet Cheri Oteri's impersonation of Robin Byrd although if you believe her resume, she attended Stanford and Oxford, was a Rhodes scholar and is a concert level violinist -- and the ever confused yet outraged Brian Kilmeade.

So I know y'all are just dying to hear exactly what went on with the Dooce, Gretch and @kilmeade this morning -- and have all your questions answered -- like WTF is Romney gonna do about this failing campaign? How will F&F keep the momentum going on his 47 percent tape? Well never fear! They found a tape of their own...

That's right! The good old folks at Fox unearthed a tape of Obama speaking at a public event in 1998 at Loyola University (how on EARTH did they find that?!) where they play a seconds long tape of Old O talking about "redistribution of wealth." Now, as the tape is only seconds long, there's no context but that doesn't let the crew at Fox & Friends stop them!

But first there's Casey Anderson -- a host on Nat Geo who has brought some animals with him: an eagle (The Dooce ain't into it -- asks "They aren't going extinct anymore, right?" -- subtext: let's kill him!), a baby black bear and a wolf. Gretch moves away from the wolf who looks terrified and has his tail between his legs, protecting his privates from the hunters at F&F. Cant say I blame him.

Tweet: @kilmeade: now red riding hood -- that fable really cost the wolf a lot of popularity..." @foxandfriends on the cusp of greatness.

I love it when @Kilmeade tries to put "shirt" (the R is silent) into perspective. Razor witted, The Dooce sends Casey off with: "Thank you Casey --Thank you Wolf Blitzer!"

Aaaaand onto the mysterious public 14 year old Obama tape that was "leaked" to Fox:

Tweet: Gretch bringing up Joe the Plumber +"both campaigns now have these tapes but you may not HEAR about this #Obama tape unles ur watching Fox!"

Ahah! the ol' -- 'oh yeah? you got a tape? well here's MY TAPE' move. Well played Fox & Friends, well played. (Show me yours I'll show you mine, Politics style!).

Tweet: @kilmeade on #romney tape: it was taken out of context! you couldn't hear question he was asked -- and his father actually lived in mexico!

Oh Kilmeade, you are ever so confused. And Confusing.

At this point, I'm starting to suspect Romney campaign is on the horn with Roger Ailes every morning.

Onto Libya -- Kilmeade pounding on the administration for hanging onto their story (I kind of agree with him).
Tweet: Gretch: did you hear this story? Jesus had a WIFE? @kilmeade: Lucky Lady!

Then a really annoying guest name Mark Steyn -- and I say annoying because his voice grated like bad cheese -- who has a book on America's Armaggeddon or something -- saying Obama's the cause of it. Obvi!

Tweet: @kilmeade: I had no problem with #Romney remarks (after #Egypt or tape) and it looks like America agrees with me! (cites polls?).

What Kilmeade doesn't say is that at this point, it seems like Romney could take a Dooce (pun intended) on his breakfast cereal and he'd have no problem with it.

Gretchen not having the best day:

Tweet: Not sure Gretch should wear yellow -- shes blending into the curvy couch @foxandfriends

Then clips of Endeavor taking off on its last flight -- it's delayed and the F&F crew switch to clip of June 2012 where Gretch is WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT! She's mortified. Dons The Dooce's jacket. The poor girl cant catch a break this week!

Now onto personal finance
Tweet: Dave Ramsay now quoting the Bible to explain personal finance... and slam govt

Tweet: PJ: FREEING A TERRORIST? 7 coptic christians and Terry jones charged with death in Egypt! have we created the seeds for this to occur? (obvi!)

Briefly mentioned: the state department has denied all of the above charges.
Keith Ablow up next on NORMAL or NUTS segment. Apparently collecting harry potter stuff nuts, controlling boss just weird.

Now onto
Tweet: @kilmeade on father daughter dance being banned in Cranston: its coming to an end in america! whats starts in Cranston goes everywhere else!
Its true. Cranston rhode island is the fashion trend setter for not just America, but the world!

More Obama tape (HAVE WE BECOME NATION OF ENTITLEMENT???) and at this point my dog Karl is threatening to grudge poop so I have to go let him out.

And let's believe that old myth that every morning Roger Ailes sends around a Talking Points Memo which is repeated almost verbatim by on air staff throughout the day. The memo of the day includes:

• Obama has a bad tape too! He wants to redistribute all your wealth!
• Obama turned us into nation of entitlement!
• Romney needs to double down on his 47 percent remarks -- because he is RIGHT!
• Obama has polarized America!