THE BLOG
01/31/2017 04:54 pm ET Updated Jan 31, 2018

News Or Not: Trump's Alternative Speech At The Women's March

In all fairness, Kellyanne Conway has a point when referring to the existence of alternative facts. Indeed, President Trump has been wronged again by the media. For the first time in U.S. history, he delivered not one but two inaugural speeches. His hugely ignored alternative speech was heard at the Women's March in Seneca Falls, NY on January 21st, 2017. Here is what President Trump said according to some Bulgarian witnesses:

TRUMP: Justice Ginsburg, Justice Kagan, Justice Sotomayor, First Lady Michelle Obama, women of the world, thank you.

January 21st, 2017 will be remembered as the day women became the rulers of this nation.

The forgotten women and children of our country will be forgotten no longer.

Everyone is listening to you now. You came by the tens of millions to become part of a historic movement, the likes of which the world has never seen before.

At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction that a nation exists to serve its citizens, especially the tired, the poor, the hurdled masses, the wretched, the homeless, and the tempest-toss.

Enough of the carnage of my carnal past. Let me help you march towards a fantastic future.

American patriarchy stops right here and stops right now. We will have equal pay for equal work, universal healthcare, and affordable education and childcare.

All isms - sexism, racism, ethnocentrism, anti-Semitism, classism, ageism, and ableism - need to go. Homophobia, Islamophobia and xenophobia will be outlawed. Phobia of mustaches will be the only one approved by the government. Anyone who makes a discriminatory slur or act will be required to watch for a week recordings of city hall meetings.

My best wives are immigrants. So, we will follow two simple rules; women first and hire an immigrant.

Women's bodies will be no pasarán for politics. As one protester wants, the only time politics enters a woman's body will be when she has sex with a politician.

The Senate will be renamed Thelma and the Congress Louise.

Senators and congressmen from opposite parties will be required to start work with hugging and have cuddling breaks between sessions.

We will end all wars. U.S. military bases around the world will be turned into children's playgrounds, dancing training camps and schools for clowns. Generals will become companions to Mickey Mouse in Disneyland. Military personnel will be hired as ice-cream vendors and tour guides of art galleries, public libraries, and concert halls. The Pentagon will be transformed into a 24/7 free spa.

CIA and FBI operatives will be appointed as white truffle and thrift-store treasure hunters.

The only oil we will take from Iraq will be from their olive trees.

The White House will broadcast daily storytelling briefs where I will read bedtime stories to children.

Working people who make less than $25,000 a year will be granted a free vacation at any of my hotels around the world.

Posters from the Women's Marches will be registered with the Department of Treasury and exchanged as currency in our trade with foreign nations.

Thank you.

Mother Earth, Goddesses, Susan B. Anthony, Moms Mabley, Statue of Liberty, and Rosebud bless you, America, and the world. Inshallah! Venceremos!

(APPLAUSE)