07/10/2012 08:27 am ET Updated Sep 09, 2012

7 Dirtiest Animal Names

Animals are my life. They are my inspirations, they are my raison d'etre, they are my passion--I love them all. It may sound silly to some, but I wake up every morning thinking about cocks and go to bed at night to dream about ass. I just can't get enough!

I'm lucky enough to have a job that allows me to get up close and personal with tits, get my hands on aholes, and indulge my love for shags on an almost daily basis. In fact, I adore shags so much some might even consider me an addict... and I'll hold my hands up to say, "Guilty as charged!" I've stroked every rat, beaver, camel toe, and pecker that I've ever come across and I still want more. In my personal life I own a whole menagerie of furry and feathered friends. If I had to pick a favorite from my collection I'd struggle, but maybe would go for cats. I've lost count of the amount of pussy I've had over the years, but believe me it's a lot! Black, white, ginger... they've all come back to my place at one time or another.

It was my deep bond with the animal kingdom that led me to put together this book, which aims to outline the prejudices, challenges, and misrepresentations that face the natural world every day. If you thought it was just environmental threats that animals are subject to, you'd be wrong. They also face vicious verbal attacks. Day by day, innocent animals' names are being misused in lewd, objectionable, and obscene ways. Years ago a bear was a bear, now it has all sorts of connotations that the Ursus actos could never have imagined while minding its own business in the great outdoors. A beautiful cougar never wanted to associate with predatory females, at least not of the human kind, but that is what has happened. So I've decided to take affirmative action and reiterate that while some words have evolved way beyond their original meanings, the original animals are still here and demand respect.

I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read my work and would like to leave you with one final statement, which I hope reflects what I aim to get across by writing this book, "Tits & Ass: A Guide To The Animal Kingdom's Rudest Residents" [Dog & Bone]: hooray for boobies!

Animals with dirty names