07/10/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

The Teen-Wolf Exchange

Of late, two very important topics have been on my mind. They would be teen pregnancy and the dwindling wolf population. Yes, I agree, you can't think of one without thinking about the other! The noble gray wolf has shrunk in number to about 3,000 in North America. On the other hand, teen pregnancy is so pervasive, you'd think kids were learning about birth control by reading the autobiography of Loretta Lynn. As a concerned citizen, I think I have the answer to both problems.I propose that our teens and wolves change places. The wolf population will soar, the number of teens having babies will decline.

Now, since both wolves and teenagers would need a transitional period to get use to their new surroundings, we would start with a week-long get-together in the wild. During this time, wolves can show the kids how to forage for food. And, judging from their shrinking numbers, how to practice safe sex. The kids can demonstrate to the wolves the easiest way to get knocked up. Clearly, this would entail that the teens be permitted to bring along the supplies that help facilitate this condition. Let's say a couple of kegs and several CDs by R. Kelly. Condoms are optional. Wolves for their part, can give kids the abstinence lecture. Or, at least, suggest that you only 'do it' if you love the person. It might be a particularly good idea to insist that Sarah Palin's daughter be one of these forest-dwellers. This would make for a nice two-fer. The wolves could explain to Bristol Palin what she did to get pregnant. They could also ask her to speak to her mom about encouraging the killing of wolves.And cool it with those incentives she uses. I mean, cash is bad enough. But now, promising wolf killers two tickets to "Shrek The Musical"? Who can resist that?

The wolves may have a difficult time adjusting to civilization. Especially, since at home, all they have is basic cable. The permutations of nature channels alone, on their new TV sets, will probably distract them from having sex for the first week in civilization. However, once they get use to sleeping in beds (or, barring that, the den, something they're familiar with, procreation amongst the wolf should shoot up dramatically. It will be especially helpful if the teens now roaming the wilderness, could leave behind the accoutrements of love that seem to be aiding and abetting them so successfully. Bongs would be welcome. And Al Green's Greatest Hits. Then, before you know it, houses in every city will sport their own pregnant wolf. Of course, once the pups start appearing, no one in the house will get any sleep. And there will be massive arguments about how often red meat is served. With the wolves winning the argument every time. This is nothing, though, compared to what will be going on in the woods. Imagine it. Thousands of teenagers, running along in ragged clothes and having to survive by their wits only. Except for that Palin kid, who seems somewhat deficient in that area. Imitating their wolf role models, however, at least none of these kids will be getting pregnant. The wolf population, though will be back up in the tens of thousands before you know it. Okay, I guess you have at least one question:Once the experiment is complete, will these two groups then switch back ? And return to their rightful habitats? We'll see. I haven't worked it all out yet. In any case, I've just given you the moon. Don't ask for the stars.