THE BLOG
07/21/2007 12:01 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Bush Administration Claims 10 New Presidential Powers

"Broader Privilege Claimed In Firings
White House Says Hill Can't Pursue Contempt Cases

Bush administration officials unveiled a bold new assertion of executive authority yesterday in the dispute over the firing of nine U.S. attorneys, saying that the Justice Department will never be allowed to pursue contempt charges initiated by Congress against White House officials once the president has invoked executive privilege..."
-- Washington Post, Friday July 20, 2007


Washington -- Facing increased questioning after recent claims of executive privilege, the Bush Administration announced Friday that a team of politically appointed Liberty University and Federalist Society lawyers working at the Justice Department have unearthed ten new presidential powers hidden deep in the Constitution by the obviously-prescient framers.

1. The president can have ice cream whenever he wants.

2. X-Ray vision.

3. The president can use his X-Ray vision to look through anyone's underwear any time anywhere.

4. Like the Pope, the president is right all the time.

5. The power to authorize water boarding or the even-more-controversial Executive Wedgie.

6. The power to heal lepers.

7. The power to speak in tongues.

8. The power to "appropriate" anyone's lunch money anywhere anytime.

9. The power to break wind and blame the nearest American citizen without being subjected to claims that, "Whoever smelt it dealt it."

10. The power to blame everything, absolutely everything, on someone other than himself.

Unlike executive privilege, these powers pertain only to the President, and not to others working within the executive branch, said an anonymous source within the Justice Department. Lawyers were especially concerned about the power of X-Ray vision.

"We don't trust all these born-again people," said the source. "We're concerned that heterosexual X-Ray vision among born agains might lead to homosexual X-Ray vision."

Democrats have scheduled congressional hearings for early next month.