11/14/2012 12:06 pm ET Updated Jan 14, 2013

G.I. Groupy Milfs Gone Wild!!!

It all seems quite logical, really. General Davis Petraeus starts banging his hot young biographer. Why not? They are in Afghanistan, a long way from either of their spouses; she is young and hot. He is older and powerful. It's a win/win. Then, over time, Paula Broadwell gets a little possessive, as any gal would, when she sees how flirty that Jill Kelley can be around her man. Er, you know, her man when Mrs. Petraeus of 38 years, Holly Petraeus, isn't around. So Paula anonymously sends Miss SmartyPants-Thinks-She's-All-That, Jill Kelley, some emails just saying, "Hey, I see what your doing, knock it off!"

Well, Jill Kelley wasn't born yesterday. She is a sophisticated modern lady, who is married to a surgeon, no less, so she contacts a friend in the F.B.I., and he looks at the emails and figures out that Paula Broadwell is the sender. He also figures out that Jill Kelley is a very foxy lady and he likes chatting with her. So he does what any real man would do, he sends her a shirtless picture of himself.

About this time, the agent also figures out, from reading her emails, that Paula Broadwell and General Petraeus are playing "Hide the Scud." This kicks the investigation up a notch, and in comes Petraeus' replacement, as the top general in Afghanistan, General John Allen. So Allen begins communicating with Jill Kelley, and he too figures out that he likes the cut of her jib. So, as any busy wartime commander would do, Allen begins a 20,000 page email conversation with the Mother Of All Milfs, Jill Kelley.

In fact, Jill Kelley's mojo is so great that both General Allen and General Petraeus went on record as character witnesses for her twin sister, Natalie Khawam, in her ugly custody battle for her four year old son, with her ex-husband. Despite such blockbuster references, the judge gave full custody to the father, and wrote at length that Ms. Khawam was dishonest, unfit and mentally unstable. But hey, Petraeus and Allen tried. A guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do.

So who are these totally hot twins, and how can they get the highest ranking military and intelligence operatives in the world to drop everything to jump through hoops for them?

Well, Jill Kelley is described as a Tampa socialite and wife of surgeon, Dr. Scott Kelley. Jill is called an unpaid liaison to Macdill Air Force Base. She and Natalie were raised in Philadelphia, after their family immigrated from Lebanon. The family ran a middle eastern restaurant. The father John Khawam was a renowned organist in Lebanon.

Bottom line, the Khawam twins are two hot ladies who know how to make powerful men act like starving puppies.

Is it a tad unsettling to know that while American soldiers are hunkered down in 130 degree heat in Afghanistan, dealing with snipers and land mines, their leaders are sitting in air conditioned offices, flirting via Dropbox with rampant housewives of Tampa? Yes it is. And the Bill Clinton/Jill Kelley emails haven't even surfaced yet.