09/11/2013 12:33 pm ET Updated May 26, 2015

Hooray for GMOs!

I'm so happy about GMO's I could just about split my genetically engineered gut, which of course will auto heal at a far greater rate than a normal gut as I've been genetically modified with a lizard gene DN4 which promotes rapid re-growth of lost limbs and tails. Sure I have scales on my left leg and my new third testicle, but it's a small price to pay for the peace of mind that comes with the miracles this new science has to offer.

Remember, GMOs have no downside, you'll hear that a lot from the companies that make them. They're safe, brand-tested and superior to mother nature! I mean mother nature had really screwed things up so incredibly to begin with all these plants growing incredible fruits and vegetables and re-seeding the ground so they'd grow over and over again, for hundreds of thousands of years. Thank God we finally fixed that.

Why slow down progress? You'll hear that from GMO companies too. Why eat normal corn, rice and wheat when you can eat genetically modified corn, rice and wheat? It's new! New has to be better! Why? Because by definition it's just not 'old.' And we all know that 'old' is useless and bad, right? I mean, look at old people.

So let's look at the upsides. First of all, you have to remember that genetically modified crops don't have a higher yield nor do the have improved sustainability. In fact they're genetically designed to produce only one crop a year that don't re-seed. That's called a 'Terminator Seed.' So farmers have to buy seeds every year to re-grow anything. Okay, so that's not a great argument, but they do at least come with their own built in pesticide!

Yes, the modified Bt gene actually makes the plants deadly to bugs because it generates its own lethal protein deadly to the pests! Brilliant idea that one! Farmers can save money on all the pesticides they buy, right? Wrong actually -- they have to buy a new even more intense pesticide called 'Roundup' as nature's reaction to the last pesticide was growing a weed impervious to pesticides. Okay, so the farmers have to spend more money on the super duper special pesticide that kills everything, except the Terminator seeds that only grow once a year to get anything done. Thank God we improved farming.

Let's look at the next upside! That new pesticide that kills everything; like bees for example. No more worries about being stung on those picnics and walks in the park! Sure bees pollinate all flowers allowing them to fertilize, produce seeds and fruit, and without them we're not exactly sure what's going to happen. But I think focusing on that is negative. I think we should focus on all the great new fruits and vegetables we get to eat with the lethal proteins in them! Awesome! I mean don't you want the picnic where the ants run away from the food?

Now some people might think eating crops from plants genetically modified to generate proteins lethal to pests could be dangerous. Personally I don't think anything could be farther from the truth! Unless you are saying that standing on a large box with the word TRUTH on it, in which case you'd be pretty close to the truth.

We need to remember that safety and not profits is ever front and center in the minds of the big corporations like Monsanto, who have designed everything here discussed. So breathe that big sigh of relief.

And you'll probably be re-assured to know the FDA has a mandatory 90 day testing period for any new GMO before it's released into the market. That's not a typo, by the way, the required testing period that really is done by these corporations that make GMO's really is just 90 days. But hey, if there's no problem in 90 days when will there be one? And who wants to wait for it? I mean, let's be practical. Pregnancy is 9 months, and that's just growing a baby! Who wants to wait that long? Even pregnant ladies don't want to wait 9 months for their babies.

So if you can tell me that a GMO is not life threatening or poisonous to human life or the ecosystem in 90 days that's good enough for me. Time is money and time's a wasting!

Besides how big could a standard testing group be anyway? It's probably not very effective. I think it makes much more sense to have the largest testing group possible, like the entire country for example.

So pass me that genetic corn and genetic baguette!

I think incredibly subtle things like genetically modified cells and protein chains and vanity DNA strands which take years and years to research and design, and who knows what the hell they'll do, can definitely be green lit after a 90 day focus group with mice.

Now remember, modifying a gene is really just changing its code. Like in a computer. Computers work on code and they're good, right? And computer viruses are just modified codes, sort of GMOs for computers, and they don't hurt computers, right? Okay bad example.

The final upside is that the big corporations are able to patent everything they genetically modify to make back their hard-earned R&D dollars. You may remember in the old days, way back like 20 years ago, a seed or vegetable or fruit was just a piece of nature. No one held a patent on it, and you couldn't sue someone for growing your apples or your wheat. And there was plenty. But when plants are grown from GMO terminator seeds that don't re-seed, you have to go back to the corporate store every year.

And if every seed and yield from a GMO has to be bought and paid for, or you're breaking the law, it means our greatest resource, food, will now be patented, controlled and charged for by the corporation that designed it right down to every seed.

And you won't have mother nature around to pick up the pieces anymore. We took care of that.

Not a bad idea, actually. The GMO corporations have finally assured themselves a yearly harvest of their most important crop. Cold hard cash. And beneath all the politics that's all this is really about.