08/08/2011 09:48 am ET Updated Oct 08, 2011

Conviction of the Week: The Animals of Texas

Texas is home to some fabulous animals. The armadillo for one, is quite fantastic and borderline prehistoric, really. Did you know the name itself, "armadillo" is Spanish for "lil' armored one"? How precious?! Then, of course, you have them wonderful longhorn cattle -- their horns can grow as long as 7 feet! What?! Now, that's just crazy! I mean, how do they put on hats at parties?

But the craziest animal of Texas was convicted yesterday. An evil, nasty, racist, demonic animal named "Warren Jeffs." I mean, why'd it take so damn long to convict this animal? If my memory is good for anything, it seems to recall Jeff's FDLS compound was surrounded back in the Spring of 2008. Jeez Louise! That's about three years ago!

But this demented animal's ruining dates back to 2006, when Jeffs landed on the FBI's "Most Wanted" list. He was arrested in '06... found in Nevada, his desperate race to flee Utah unsuccessful -- the sick fuck! So, he went to trial in Utah and was sentenced to 10-life, but this was later reversed by Utah's supreme court, just last year, due to some lame jury misdirection or instructions... either way, they totally let the beast back into the wild!

And so this disgusting animal went right back to his incestuous and unforgivable ways...and all under the name of Jesus and the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints... whew -- that's certainly a mouthful! Anyways, he spewed his racism, his backwards Jesus rhetoric and continued to have sex with children. Yes -- children. I mean, as nasty as the honey badger is, you'll never see a honey badger have sex with a honey badger cub, y'know?

No other animal in the animal kingdom is as gross and deranged as the Warren Jeffs. He was given a life sentence after a tediously drawn out trial. At one point, he even let loose his attorneys to rep himself! A lot of good that did, huh? Fuck it -- who in their right mind would want to rep him anyway? Are you kidding me? Screw that!

Anyways, as we all know, those in prison do not take kindly to child molesters nor those who force sex on children -- I mean, even prisoners have standards and harming children crosses the line. 'Remember what happened to that other animal, Jeffrey Dahmer? How long did he last, a month or two?

This nation is sickened by the actions of this animal. I know I threw up in my mouth a little when I read what he was on trial for and nearly fell off my chair when I learned his history. But, basically, I'm not a betting boy, but I predict he'll go to jail, last a week, get killed and then we'll all move on... save the innocent lives he ruined by the insanity of his horrible actions... they need all the love and support they can get right now and my prayers go out to them.