Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episode 6 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "She's Gone Too Far."
It only took Bravo six episodes of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" to spice up what was becoming a real snooze-fest of a series, but the network finally did it. Tonight's main event rivaled Kim Richards' "slut pig" outburst in Season 2, and the electronic cigarette-smoking ghost whisperer in Season 1. Yay!
Welcome "RHOBH" fans and curious wanderers! I will be recapping the remaining episodes of the third season here each week. So let's get to it.
We started off with everybody's favorite house-husband Mauricio walking into his home, saddened that someone threw eggs at his cars and his daughter Alexia's window. He ushered his family outside to investigate the cracked eggs and announced that Alexia's car was spared just as the camera panned to a brand new white Mercedes c250. Alexia passed her driver's test in the previous episode and was ECSTATIC about the new car. And we know this because Kyle and her enormous earrings told us that Alexia is just "blowwwwwwwwwwn awaaaaaaaaaaay" in her confessional.
The entire scene was basically a re-imagined ending of any "My Super Sweet 16," episode on MTV. But I think Mauricio and Kyle really tried to kick things up a notch by egging their own property. I'm not exactly sure how the eggs tied in here, to be honest. But I do know that it was weird.
Next, we hopped over to Brandi who was having sushi with her book agent, who basically hijacked their meeting to plug his work on Chelsea Handler's book "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang." Here Brandi described herself as a "truth cannon," but I much prefer "cannon of truth" as it sounds far more poetic.
Then we visited Lisa in what I found to be the most excruciating part of the episode. The entire scene was basically a preview of Lisa's upcoming spin-off show about her restaurant called "Vanderpump Rules," which follows the Real Housewife and business owner around her restaurant Sur as she keeps her staff in check and says painful things like, "It's my business, and they're not going to screw it up."
Let me save you some time -- if this scene is at all indicative of the upcoming spin-off show -- it does not look good. I prefer more Lisa as my wacko British aunt in an insanely oversized white Cossack hat, and less Lisa as scolding mummy.
There was also a really gross part where one staffer was in trouble for pissing off a very important client, and Lisa told her that the client "had a reason" to call the staffer a "spoiled brat stupid bitch." Terrible.
Next, Brandi, followed by Kim, Taylor, Kyle and Mauricio, joined Lisa and Ken for a tasting of their new menu. There seemed to be some sort of miscommunication about dress attire, as Brandi arrived in jeans, while Lisa looked like she was about to go clubbing, Taylor looked like she raided her daughter's "Pretty Pretty Princess" dress-up board game, and Kim arrived wearing an insanely low cut pink dress and a white blazer from Zara that I also own and will now have to burn.
But things got interesting -- FINALLY. Lisa asked Kim if she ever felt like she may relapse, which seemed so far from light lunch conversation, but Kim responded by sharing that Kyle, who was sitting right across from her, makes her feel really terrible at times. And then everyone just moved right along.
Brandi started going on about her fight with Adrienne. Lisa summed up the whole kerfuffle as: The Maloofs "wanted Brandi to publicly tweet things in support of them and they intimidated her with a phone call. That's not fair." And since I'm a Lisa fan (on this show at least) and would like to take a moment to compliment her highlights, let's chalk it up to whatever she said and move on.
But there's more! Brandi then said that Adrienne lies about one thing in particular that really "annoys the fuck out of [her]" so she just announced it at the table, sending her fellow housewives into pure shock that was so powerful it counteracted the Botox and jaws just fell to the ground. Not really, at all, actually.
But whatever Brandi said was edited out, so viewers have no idea what she divulged! Either Bravo is trying a new editing technique, or someone's lawyers got the network to air the episode this way. Either way, I was going out of my skull about an hour ago but am now finding myself at peace with this whole situation.
So while Ken was having his hip replaced, Mauricio hosted what seemed like a very windy launch party for his new real estate company, The Agency. And Camille showed up with her new boyfriend, Dimitri! Once again, we were told that Dimitri has a huge shlong, but this time we got measurements -- Camille said he's 8 inches bigger than her ex, Kelsey Grammer. Also, Dimitri is Greek so he said he cooks spanakopita, baklava and recently made lamb chops. Whatever Dimitri, tell me you make some saganaki and then we'll talk.
Moving right along, the Maloofs arrived and Kim scurried over to tell them the "bombshell" Brandi dropped, which seemed to subsequently outrage Paul and Adrienne as promised. Paul called the comments "completely defamatory" while Adrienne threatened a lawsuit. They were so incensed they decided to leave.
But as Paul was "leaving," he referred to Brandi as a "bitch" so she would hear it, and got right up in her face so they could yell at each other. If this was a different city where people kept their original noses, they definitely would have Eskimo-kissed mid-fight, which would have likely provided a nice human moment, but no such luck.
So anyway, while Paul, Adrienne and Brandi screamed over each other about something we don't know yet (now I'm getting mad about the editing again), Taylor, the domestic violence survivor, seemed to be quivering beside them, which made me sad. Taylor, I know you "fought too hard for this zip code to go home now," but sometimes I really do wish you'd just go home.
So the episode basically ended as Adrienne and Brandi accused each other's children of "talking shit," and Adrienne said that Brandi slept once till 3 p.m. and "left her kids alone." Then she called her a "drug addict" on the way out of the party.
WELL! Where do you think we'll go from here? Did I leave anything out? And where was Yolanda? Do you even miss her? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
UPDATE: Tuesday, 2:30 p.m. So the Real Housewives universe has been buzzing all day in an attempt to figure out last night's drama-filled episode about that thing we have no idea about. And here's what we have so far:
Last night, Brandi tweeted that Bravo edited out the "bombshell" because lawyers made them.
Additionally, Wet Paint reported on what Brandi said that we didn't hear! Apparently Brandi claimed that Adrienne and Paul used a surrogate to have their three children--and that "crossed the line!"
I realize that details about child birth are generally private matters, and trust me, I have no interest in knowing anything about Adrienne and how she popped her children out, if at all. But I just don't understand why that accusation, if it really is the "bombshell" in question, would garner such an insane response from the cast and network. Especially when it's something that Sarah Jessica Parker has also done. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what this whole mess is really about next week.
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 9 p.m. EST on Bravo.
Correction: The post above has been updated to reflect that Brandi met with her book agent over sushi, not her book publisher.