09/15/2014 11:52 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Bento Boxes That Will Establish Your Dominance Over Other Moms

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Congratulations! You are done f*cking around and you're ready to take your rightful place as Alpha Mom. Do you think success comes for free? It doesn't. Be prepared to put in the work.

Take a look at this. This isn't a G-D Lunchable.


This is art. Your child is going to eat a work of art, and you're finally gonna get a little more respect around here.

I'm gonna hit you with some more, are you ready?




You don't know HOW to do these? Grow a sack, sign into Pinterest, get in the Camry, drive yourself to Michael's and figure it the f*ck out.


Oh, does this look too "hard"? News flash, Sophie's mom is bringing homemade mini-cupcakes for everyone next week. They are gonna be gluten-free and personalized for each student. Does that put a fire under your ass? It better.


Yes! Good work.

Yeah, I know it's hard. I know your hands are bleeding from cutting carrots into little flowers. I know your eyes hurt from placing nori leaf eyes on those chicken nuggets. Suck it up. You're a mom. Do you wanna feel like a failure at the next PTA meeting or do you want to dominate it? That's what I f*cking thought.

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