01/13/2014 02:05 pm ET Updated Mar 15, 2014

A Humor Piece: Memo From the Governor





We have all seen reports that the governor's office in New Jersey intentionally shut down highway lanes to retaliate against a political opponent. We will not tolerate such abuses in our great State. As governor, I have reviewed our own Political Retaliation Procedures (OOG-1224/g). Please review.

1- In the last campaign, I may have expressed displeasure with the produce manager of the Harborville MegaMart for not letting me to shake voters' hands. I am appalled and humiliated to learn that since, there have been occasional "shutdowns" at the express checkout lane. This will no longer be tolerated. However, staff attempts to try to pay for 16 items in the "Limit 15 Items Lane" -- and silently debating which item to remove -- are acceptable.

2- Interoffice e-mails threatening retribution and retaliation against my political opponents are forbidden. Shaking your fists while muttering under your breath, "We'll show him" is fine.

3- Our "List of Political Enemies For The Governor To Screw" is now officially renamed "People Unlikely To Receive Invites To The Governor's Holiday Ball."

4- Placing traffic cones on a busy street to cause traffic is political retribution. Puncturing tires, toilet-papering yards, and ringing doorbells while running away are harmless pranks that send the right message.

5- In the future, ransom-style notes on "Office of the Governor" letterhead are absolutely forbidden.

6- When an opponent doesn't do what we ask, the following responses are prohibited:

"I'll get you for this!"

"You'll be sorry!"

"Do you have any clue who you're messing with?"

Using an index finger to make slicing motions across your neck may be appropriate, but only if no one notices.

7- Try to avoid using the words "or" and "else" next to one another.

8- When I wink or nod, you are to assume I have something in my eye or a facial tic. Not that I am condoning any form of retaliation or retribution. ;)