04/04/2011 05:42 pm ET Updated Jun 04, 2011

April 4, 2-11, News Update


*****BULLETIN !....... Republicans in Congress agree to President Obama's budget, endorse his actions in Libya and declare end to efforts to repeal health care reform. And you thought this day would never come...*****

In nationally televised speech, President Obama explains that it's in our interest to be involved in Libya because it's in our interest. Got that?

In same speech, he said it's not our goal to remove Gaddafi from power. Meanwhile, Gaddafi is asking, "Then why the hell are you dropping all those bombs on me?"

US has fired up at least 120 cruise missiles at Libyan targets. They cost around a million bucks each. You do the math. Just want to keep you informed about your tax dollars in action. As they say in our nation's capital, Politics ain't beanbag and War ain't cheap.

Reports circulate in Libya that Gaddafi is Jewish. Really. There's a conventional way to find out, but it's not available in Libya because there's a no-fly zone. (Just think about that for a minute).

Donald Trump is demanding that he produce his birth certificate.

If it can be proved he really is Jewish, can he go into exile in Israel? Sure ... along with the presidents of Egypt and Tunisia.

President of Ivory Coast, who refused to leave office despite losing national election, appears to be on last legs. President of Yemen looks like his days are numbered. Head of Bahrain on shaky grounds. How long before some enterprising internet entrepreneur comes up with a travel site for deposed autocrats?

Internet reports circulate that Sarah Palin is Jewish (Lithuanian Jewish mother). Donald Trump demanding to see her birth certificate.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez claims there may have been human life on Mars that was wiped out by capitalism and imperialism. Looks like Venezuela could use a no-flake zone. This rates high on The Richard's Scale of Wackiness, along with Gaddafi's call for the elimination of Switzerland and his blaming the JFK assassination on Jewish intelligence.

Unemployment rate drops to 8.8%. Woo Hoo! At this rate, we'll be back to "full" employment sometime around 2020 (which is full vision).

Bronx Zoo reports cobra missing, then says it never really left Reptile House. Cover-up. Real story: Snake escaped, slithered its way to Wall Street, applied for job at Goldman SSSachs, was told they already had enough of his kind ... so he slithered back to zoo. And that's the truth.

NCAA basketball championship goes to the dogs ... literally ... The Bulldogs of Butler versus the Huskies of Uconn. Which canine can win? UConn can ... but ...

*****BULLETIN !*****April Fool! And if you think the Tea Party members in Congress are April fools, you're wrong. They're year-round fools.