12/04/2007 12:37 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

December 3, 2007 News Update

President Bush invites Nobel Prize winners, including Al Gore, to White House. You suppose that Gore, while meeting with President in Oval Office, was hearing that old song, "This Nearly Was Mine"?

Bush launches Middle East peace initiative. Only took him seven years to get it.

Dick Cheney treated for irregular heartbeat. It's the irregular brain waves that need treatment.

Former White House Secretary Scott McClellan writes he was told to lie about outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame by top White House officials, including the President himself. Know how to tell when Bush and his top officials are lying? When their lips move.

Karl Rove tells interviewer he and Bush were pushed into war with Iraq prematurely by Democratic Congress. See previous comment. This sets new standard for chutzpah.

Bill Clinton says he was opposed to the war in Iraq "from the beginning." The beginning of what?

Former AG John Ashcroft tells audience Guantanamo is "good place" for detainees. Hey, can't beat the weather.

Trent Lott resigns from Senate. Woe is us, another statesman gone. But another lobbyist gained.

Paul Wolfowitz offered top State Department job. Won't take it unless girlfriend also hired, plus assurances we'll bomb Iran.

Republican presidential candidates debate on YouTube. Next,

Former Ark. Gov. Mike Huckabee surging in Iowa, credits God with helping raise his poll numbers, but notes He (God) won't be voting there. He? Hasn't he gotten the word She's black?

Huckabee claims United States is result of "divine intervention." Perhaps with the help of a few mortals like Washington, Jefferson, Madison et al?

Rudy Giuliani says Mitt Romney hired illegal aliens. Romney says Giuliani ran New York as "sanctuary city." Forget it guys. Tancredo has the anti-immigration vote locked up.

Evangelical Christian backlash against Pat Robertson for endorsing Giuliani. 700 Club now down to 400.

Protesters in Sudan call for death penalty for white English teacher who allowed her class to name Teddy Bear "Muhammed." They don't want anybody to think their prophet was cuddly.

Saudi court sentences gang-rape victim to 90 lashes because she was alone in a car with a man who was not her husband. If the man had been her husband, she would have gotten only 30 lashes. Welcome to the 16th century.

Survey shows Utah has more depressed people than any other state. Probably all those men who are permitted to have only one wife.

Don (I-Must) Imus returns to air with two black sidekicks. Neither played on Rutgers' women's basketball team. And no white cracker jokes.

Reports say Marie Osmond faked "fainting" on "Dancing With The Stars." Fake on a reality show? Is nothing sacred?